In the darkest hour...

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, that little thing that tells you that you might have done something rash. The kind of feeling you can only get when you're in a total emotional limbo. This is what i hate about breaking up. Everything that was once in control is now out of my control. My once sound mind, has now become screwed up. I can't have an actual emotion without analyzing it. At times I wish, I could just be man so I could just compartmentalize all the bullshit in my life and focus on things that will make me successful.

Sadly, I can't be a man. I am a woman and like any other woman, we dissect every single thing in the relationship in this case past relationship. So in my darkest hour, while I sat alone at the mamak, I rewind and replayed every bit of my relationship with my ex. I cut and edit everything in my head. Looking at everything as if it was under a microscope. Thinking to myself about what I could have done differently and what I shouldn't have done.

From all the rewinding and forwarding of our relationship, there was one particular conversation caught my attention. I remember asking the ex, why throughout the relationship I had always made the move. I had always made it easier for him to reach out and take or feel what ever he wants. And now, that we've broken up, he still doesn't even want to put any effort in making whatever we got left work. In some subconscious way he still expects me to give in and make it easier. I asked him why all this are still happening. He said he didn't want to give me hope. Hope of us getting back together. If he were to unlock the real feelings he has inside, it'll create some sort of hope in me. He fears that. He fears that I might get hurt again on his account.

But his fellow mate said to me today, " If he doesn't have hope at all in his heart than there is no point of you hoping for something to spark" Which is why now ladies and gentleman, I am in an emotional limbo and in my darkest hour. I tell myself not to care because if I do then i'll start having all this memories and emotions flooding in at once and i have no control of this and i cant take it.

Maybe is true about what his mate said, why wait for someone that isn't willing to put his money on you. Why think of someone who wouldn't even unload his love for you, for the fear of losing his dignity. Why put your heart out on a silver platter when all they want to do is just whack it to millions pieces? The answer I don't know. I guess I am a romantic person. I always thought to some point that love was meant to be simple and not to be disrupted with issues of money, status and appearance. I think its about time i burst my own bubble and face the reality of things. Love doesn't mean a thing when its made easy. It has no worth when there isnt any one striving for it.

From now on, the next guy that comes along, I hope he beats me with a bat to tell me that his infront of me because if he doesn't than this boat is sailing away.

Bye...For Now..

And they say "When you love someone , you have to let them go" and I did just that last weekend. It wasn't the easiest thing to do but it had to be done. It was a good 16 months.We had a good run. He was my bestest friend, soulmate and love. I had to make the ultimate sacrifice because I didn't want to be the cause of his misery with his family and primarily his mother. But that wasn't the only reason. I didn't want to be a hypocrite. I couldn't be around him and love him, when i had such anger and a growing dislike for his mother. It wouldn't be fair. Plus I just couldn't take anymore of the insults and personal ridicules the mom made towards me and my family. It was just time to draw the line.

Whatever his family is he isn't.I fell for him, for the person that he is. A good son and a good man. For now, our path has to split. He has to discover himself and I have to build a better me. I have a lot to prove and alot to do. Maybe the move I made wasn't right, maybe it is. I don't know but I'll just leave it to god to decide. If it was meant to be, he and I will meet and in that time we will be one. Till then , life has to go on, there's nothing but the future. We just have to move on and think of the best and the most positive.

I leave you with Coldplay-The scientist

This song is for you. Everything I want and need to say to you is all here. Be strong.

I want...

Today is the day I tell the universe what I want. Ok ok it might sound as if I had an overdose of The Secret but when you read the book and watch the DVD, you kinda pick up on the positive vibes. In a section of the DVD, one of the philosophers suggested that we make an "I Want List". It's like a to do list of what you want to have done through out your entire life. The list is a means for you to focus on so you wouldnt lose track of the things you want most. Another way to not dwell on the negatives. So today I decide to make my very own " I want list". Here goes.

- I want to have a healthy and fit body

- I want to have smooth and flawless skin

- I want to be spiritually complete and one with my religion

- I want to be more positive, confident and assertive of myself

- I want to love myself more and accept me more

- I want my relationship with my mom to be more positive, warm and closer

- I want to have 1 million dollars in my bank by the age of 30

- I want to be married to a man that respects, love, care and will guide me through this life according to our islamic beliefs.

-I want to be a successful business woman

- I want to have my dream office space

- I want to buy my mother her dream car and house in the next 3 years

- I want be independent

- I want to make an impact in my community and help the less fortunate

- I want regular income, projects

- I want to sing and perform my heart out next year

For now, the ones above are the ones i'm focus on. I'm sure i'll add somemore to the list soon.
The first step is done and now to follow through.

The day good english became a 4 letter word

Yes you read it right, the title is saying what it means. Several days back I was accused of vulgarity when I used the word "civilised" to calm a maniac of a woman, who went all psycho on me when I tried to elaborate a specific situation. The accuser, was the woman's daughter. I believe the maniac was too shocked at my chosen words that she couldn't bring herself to confront me but sent her blank headed of a daughter to deliver her two cents. The conversation went like this:

Accuser: What ta' hell did you say to my mother?

Me: What are you actually referring to because we spoke at length about a lot of things.

Accuser: I was told that you were rude and disrespectful.

Me: Is that so? How was I rude and disrespectful? As far as i could remember, I didn't get a decent word in. How could I , with your mother screaming at the top of her lungs, saying obscene things to me . Which I found odd because it had nothing to do with the issue at hand.

Accuser: You used the word "Civilised"

Me: Yes I did. Of course I did. You'd do the same when a mad woman goes on a rampage. That's the most decent thing you'd say. I'd had a different word in mind but because I remember who your mother was, I refrained myself from sinking to your family's level.

Accuser: Couldnt you have used a different word? Do you think you're better than us just because you used complicated words?WHAT!! Do you think you're smarter than us?


Me: First of all, the word "civilised" is not a FOUR LETTER WORD. If i had let what your moronic of a mother get to me, the word civilized would be the least of her concern. I said to your mother lets sort this out like civilized people because she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

Accuser: YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT QUIET AND LISTENED. DON'T YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR THE ELDERS. WHY DID YOU USE THAT WORD!!! YOU'RE RUDE.


Me: Not when they're not right, self centered, crazy and verbally abusive. I wasn't raised to tolerate that sort of third world country mind set. If you think its rude to stand up for yourself than that's you're prerogative.

After the nitwit and I hung up, I couldnt help myself but laughed. She got all worked up about a word that meant : ( civilized) polite and well-mannered . Her reaction was as if I cussed at her mother. By god I did want to wring the woman's neck for what she said but yah, she got worked up about a word that meant nothing. I'm just in utter disbelief of the reaction. Everytime, since that day, when i recall back, I laugh. To think that you have idiots like these around.Mann...the world has trully became bonkers.

A Grey Day..

Woke up today, with one of those bad feelings. The type that makes you want to go back into bed and hide under your covers for the whole entire day and just wallow in your sadness and depression. It's a wonder isnt' it, how words can effect you. Especially when negative things are being said about you by someone you used to have a lot of care for.

Regardless what is said true or not, sometimes it just gets to you. Especially when you've been having such a vulnerable week. But today was a different sort of grey. How death could just snap you back into perspective. It tells you that there's so much more in life to look forward to rather than worried about some negative people and their theories of you they've concocted in their stupid and boring life.

In facing death today, a sudden realization came to light, it doesn't mean anything if no attention is given to it. It doesn't mean anything, if there isn't any reaction. In life, you do what you can and not be worried about not being liked. Cause it doesn't work that way. Be as good as you can be and as true to yourself as much as you can. Visualize the good and positive.

For my uncle, Al- Fatihah..

Value of Man

How do you value a person? Looks? Money? Stature? Intelligence? Religion? Is it crucial for you to value a person to begin with. Why must there be a value filtering system, when it comes to choosing friends or life partners? Why isnt it not enough, when the people you're with are kind, happy and compassionate. Doesn't that criteria matters anymore. I just dont understand why do society need all those temporary "leg up" to build a friendship or relationship.

Those temporary advantages, will eventually fade. I wonder, if those self absorb , wealth and beauty driven people are aware of this. Don't they ever stop to think that one day, it'll be swept right under their feet? To a certain extend I doubt they would, as a friend of mine said " it's the fall of our local society, so hung up with rank, beauty and wealth".

It's as if having a title makes them less human but gods and goddess. Just because with title, they get first choice of everything makes them feel they're better than everyone. Well mate, If i stab you, you'd still bleed. Your blood is as red as mine. Doesn't make you any different from me just because you have a title up front of you blardy name.

For once, I just wish these people would just get off they fucking high horse and realise the whole deal. All those earthly bound things, means jack when you die. Means nothing when it comes to matter of emotions or well being. I just wish something hard just thuds their head and it all comes into place for them. But then again, a girl can wish so much.

Another one found..

I'm sure you heard of this story before, that god created seven versions of you. And he spreads them all over the globe for you to find one another in the end.

I think I found my fourth. By fluke I found her and her name is like mine.Exactly spelled the same way. I was drawned to her blog by her little write up about herself.

I was further intrigued by her when I saw her illustration. The more i read her blog the more alike I feel we are. She has plenty insights on things. Where she is now, is where i want to be in a couple of years. Basically having it all at the age of 30- 31?? Accomplished, happy and content. Happily married and with a kid and a career that makes me happy.


Lately, all that seems so far. All I have to show for is a startup company, that I'm quite happy with. As for love, the jury is still out on that. So back to focusing on what works.In this case WORK!! *laughs*

Do check her blog out. She's quite a character.

Amas Veritas

Remember the movie Practical Magic? The one with Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman in it. Two sisters, witches and cursed by their ancestor to not have love because she was hurt by the man she loved. If you do, I'm sure it'll end up in your favourite list of movies. It wasn't sappy but light and sweet. The three clips and the bottom are my favourite ones in the movie. First is the one when they were kids and one of the sisters made a spell called "Amas Veritas" , a love spell so to speak. She made this spell because who ever loved the Owens sister are bound to end up dead (the curse by the ancestor). Second and third are pretty much the songs that I like in the movie. It says alot.

So she made the spell, she asked for the most impossible man. She thought by doing that, he wouldn't be real. Thus she wouldn't fall in love or suffer a broken heart when her love dies. In some way, I wish that was possible. To make a spell that prevents you from going through a broken heart. You love for so long, you work for it. Nurture the whole relationship to find in the end that it was all nothing. Yes you do learn somethings out of the relationship. Things to not do in the next.

Gyms are the DEVIL!!!

It's official, I hate them gyms. Especially the one to your left. They really suck you dry. Its no wonder they refused cash and insist on your credit card as mode of payment. They know they can easily take advantage of you. Majority of their clients are young executive. All caught up with their work and almost no time to themselves.

You see, when you sign up with the gym above, your contract runs up to 2 years. You're tied to them. You're not allowed to join a second gym. Like the devil, the minute you sign that contract they'll suck you dry. In my case, my contract ended in july and by right they shouldnt charge me because I've paid the first and last month during registration.

To my surprise I found out they continued charging me when my contract has expired. Bare this in mind, they are a major INTERNATIONAL GYM. And they couldn't spare a moment to write or call me to inform that my account has expired or to ask whether i'd want to resume with them.
The just charge my card. HOW SICK IS THAT!!!

When i called to complain, they said well you didn't come by and sign some letter. And i replied i called and i went over and NO one i repeat NO one told me the proper steps. Everyone said its noted. This was done months before my account expired. They wanted to reimbursed me with this VIP card. I can't believe this. They had the chick to ask me to pass a gym card to someone else. After what i knew about them. NO FUCKIN wayy!!!. i'm not going to promote their company. Bad Service!!!!! Bad Attitude!!!

Tomorrow is "D" Day..where i bring hell to that god forsaken place. I'm so not going to settle with a blardy coupon. That won't do. Someone's gonna bleed.

So they confide to their mothers...

When communicating with ones parent, how much is too much of your personal information do you divulge to them? Where do you draw the line? To some it is completely normal to just spill everything, to tell all their dirty secrets. Mothers and daughters do this. Its like an unwritten rule. You don't share you die. You dont' gossip you die. By unloading your emotions is like a holy bonding session between a mother and daughter. Sacred even to some. I'll go as far as to call it a woman thing.

But when a guy confides mostly everything to his mum i find it odd. Look i'm all for it when a man is in touch with his emotions and all that jargon but when he talks of personal matters, and one that involves your relationship with him, you can't but help it to be alittle ticked off..!!! I just wonder what goes on in their mind, (their meaning the men) when they're doing this?? I mean don't they know by dissing out on their girl to their MOM !! of all person doesn't help matters. You're just giving the woman ammo to hate or use against the girl the next time shit happens. I know to some this might sound harsh but to a certain extend is true.

Mothers are completely overly protective of their son. When they detect defect, it will all go down the hill from there. The girl can never be good in her eyes no more. You can try but i tell you this from my experience, they'll still give you that eye whenever you come around. The kind that lingers. The demeaning type look. It isn't obvious but you just know because you can feel the heat burning right into your flesh that you just cant sit still not even for a second. You know when you have that uncomfortable feeling when you first meet you bf's or gf's parents that sort a interrogating aura..times that by 10. That searing heat. Yup not something you want to go through i'm sure.

When you tell the bf about the look, he'll say " No ..you're just imagining it" Seriously I am not imagining it. Why on earth would i want to imagine your mother giving me the hate. I'd want her to like me man.. I mean come on seriously...think !!!!! Stop and think!!! I honestly don't mind if he's sharing his own problems. That doesn't involves us, as a couple. I'm big about that. Even friends, I dont' tell them everything just what they need to know. I keep my relationship issues mostly to myself and i'd like to keep it between me and the man and not anyone else.

I dont share much of my relationships with my mother because i know she'd be emotional. She's be holding grudges and judging. Which is not what i want. Coz relationship is all about the roller coaster ride. You have good days and bad. You don't want people to go hating your love ones on account of something shitty he or she did that just one time. We're all human anyway.

The point i'm trying to make is, there's so much judging and pointing fingers in the world as it is. You don't want an outsider to get in your business when they don't know jack. And because its a convenient thing to do...to point fingers.

Other side of the rainbow

Right this moment I can hear my good friend Bae saying this, " Dont take it personally Elly". I try but sometimes certain issues would just creep up and I'm back where I started. Lately things has been crazy. In a year I've gone through so many obstacles. Early of the year a crazy ass taiwanese woman which i might add has been paid in full by the kharmatic cycle. I doubt she learned anything but knowing that she got hers sooner than i thought gives me some comfort that there is some justice in the world.

Second obstacle, misunderstood by my bf's aunt. She told my boyfriend's mum that i yelled at her when i didn't. To make things worse the mum believed her sister. And he believed his mum. It almost caused our relationship. The fact that misunderstanding could make the relationship wobble goes to show that it wasn't as solid as i thought.

The most recent, is his bestfriend. Called me all the way from down under, not only yelled but cussed at me. Again another misunderstanding. I held on by the thread. I wanted so much just to let go and screw the guy up but i thought otherwise. I thought i'd be the water. Be the bigger person but it made me seemed weak. Which i'm not. I hate that i gave that man the impression that he scared me. Hell NO!!! But for the boyfriend and what my good friend said i let it slide and be the mature one.

With all this hanging on my back, i can't stop but think is there much over the rainbow? I mean this whole drama seemed like a deja vu. With my past ex. Simillar scenario also misunderstood. Wrongly accused the difference is will he stand up for me. I try not letting all this get to me..His mother and sister not liking me and his best friend hating me. I try but again when you think about is there really much to hope. Is there really something good on the other side of the rainbow?

Drama..Drama..Drama

What an event full day. Not only have I've been accused of racking someones relationship, I received a warning letter from the bank because of my carelessness. The wake of the day was filled with much anxiety and negativeness.That it needed to be change on the second half of the day.How a conversation between girl friends could be blown out of proportion literally. I'm starting to think that the best bet is to blog than speak or discuss among your peers. At least this way you won't be placed under the spot.

I just dont understand some people. Why have contemplation on account of someone else. Why sometimes that they need a sign to justify their emotions. I just wonder sometimes what sorta understanding that one should have when in a relationship? Bare all the bullshit given by your partner? Let him / her walk over you?

I just don't get it. Why woman or man need to lower themselves on account of not wanting to hurt their other half. Don't they know that relationship is all about communications and patience. Nothing in the world is perfect nor definite. I'm not claiming to be the miss know it all, but i do believe in anything you need to constantly talk. Iron out all the wrinkles.

I hate the fact that when something goes wrong, it has to be someone elses fault. Someone must have done something. Could it just be that the relationship was weak to begin with? I guess when things such these happens you see ones maturity from their actions.

You see their characters. Even it can't be helped. I guess some people are just built that way. Well i acknowledge part the current mishaps / miscommunication was avoidable but honestly when a group of women get together you can't help how things would turn out. The usual saying goes you can't judge the book by its cover. You think the person could take it and is on the same boat with you but you can never tell anymore. Just have to thread matters of the heart in a sensitive way.

Honestly, after all the drama, this blogger is sooooo not gonna be relating any emotional talks anytime soon. I've given up trying to make it work and getting respect or liked by that certain party. Truthfully him being around or not doesn't determine my lively-hood. I'm gonna quote my friend mum " Matters of the heart, are things to be sorted out between two lover and not the three" . I intend to stick to that for awhile. Again DRama !!! Drama!! Drama

Call me Ms. Sensitive

Yes! I'm sensitive. I can't change it. I've tried believe me. No matter how much I've tried, I still get that.."Elly, you're sensitive". I've had tonnes of people saying to me to keep it down a notch. Can you really? keep it down.
I wonder? I've tried not showing. Ive tried brushing it off with a joke. I've tried doing the confident thing. Bottom line i still feel hurt and sensitive when something mean or sad or evil is being said to me or about me.

How can't i not? How would you feel if someone would to say something mean and harsh about you? Wouldn't you react the same way? If you deny..you're lying. I'm sure that you'll feel it some where.Not in your heart but somewhere.
If you don't then you're not human.

The common line "Don't let them get to you" I mean come on how do you actually do that. When its an obvious attack.I'm sorry that i'm so in touch with my feelings that the slightest comment could bring me to tears. I try my hardest to just look past it. But i can't help it. I wish I could be strong. Am i not allowed a bad day. It just infuriates me when it comes to my day...my low day, I'm left without a net.


I'm left to plummet to the ground. No one to rescue me or thrown me a line. I guess to some point its true, that you can do so much to care about others. Give as much as you can and dont expect the same.

Biggest hiccup

When i got home late last night, I found out that a cheque I gave to my mother was sent home. It was returned apparently due to insufficient funds. Which i found odd because i added the extra funds within the grace time limit. So much for a chilled out day. The whole night i couldn't sleep. Worried about what might happen with this little mistake.

I remembered couple months back, my friend said that if you had a bounced cheque then you'll be black listed by Bank Negara. So yah, the whole night tossing and turning and sweating non stop. Worried of what would've become to my company. My baby company. Just started out and already making a stint. Finally got to sleep around 5 ish am and woke up just in time for the bank to open.


When i got to the bank i was sweating pearls. I waited for the manager and when he finally came i was drenched. He gave me a little smile maybe to ease my nerves. We got down to it. He checked all my records. Finally he said there isn't much he could do but offer me an advice to just be more careful when writing out a cheque. He said it is a bummer that i miss the grace time by a couple of minutes when adding the additional cash but its how it work.


So the verdict is pretty this, my company will be in a "list". This list monitors your transactions for 6 months. IF you behave and don't do anything wrong then you'll be out of it hopefully. But it'll still remain in records. Basically, it'll be a slight problem if i wish to take up a loan later on down the road.

As for Bank NEgara, he said i didn't have to write a letter but just be prepare if it comes my way but besides that i've just been penalised RM 100 and added into the "list". The biggest hiccup for me . An expensive lesson most definitely. Boy am i gonna check my cheques properly now.

To buy or not to buy that is the question???!!!

I absolutely love this sleek camera. It easy to carry and it has everything you need. Its slim enough to carry everywhere and take it to any occassion. Lately i've been feeling alil off for not having a camera to document my happy or sad times.

I've been contemplating this past couple of months. When i first saw it, my god it was costly and then now my boyfriend saw this camera fair in One Utama and it seems they took off a couple of hundred for this model. Now i'm very very tempted. I don't know should i get it ? but its a good bargain. I just purchase myself a macbook i cant be splurging.

Arghhhhh!!! Frustrating.!! i guess its back to the drawing board. Well more like excel la and do my accounts. See where the money are..dang!! stress big time.


Gotta make more money it is yooo!!!

Selfish you

Sometimes i wonder, do you stop to think whether you're self centered.
Do you not care about anything around you but yourself.
Couldn't you maybe stop, and think she hurts too. She's in pain.
She needs a man to stand. Talk to her.Fill her with the energy she so need.

Do you ever maybe want to hear her voice. The cries of her inner soul.
Instead of drowning hers with your own. Couldnt you just take a step, a step on your
own and not when she screams. Why is it hard? hard to see what is really beneath
the whole scene.

Must it be said repeatedly, what she needs? Couldnt you put yourself in her place
and feel what she feels? Isnt' it apparent what is wrong. Don't take it forgranted
when everything is so quiet.


Her worth is at stake, you fail she'll fade.
Listen close, listen well. To the messages she with held.
For all she needs is close. Close to you and in your heart.

Numerology

Your Life Path Number is 6
Your Life Path Number represents the path you should take through life and the talents and skills you have to make your journey a rewarding one.

Your Path will lead you to build a warm home life and a stable, rewarding career. You live responsibly and learn to maintain a balance between what you give and what you receive. You are sympathetic, caring and able to give good counsel. These are qualities others will come to you for many times in your life. You see the beauty in the world and in those around you--enjoy your vision.

Your Life Destiny Number is 2
Your Destiny Number sheds light on those things you must accomplish in your life to be fulfilled.

If your Destiny Number is 2, your purpose in life is to create and maintain balance and harmony amongst others. You make a great team player--not because you can lead your team to victory, but because you can keep the team together until victory is attained.

Your Soul Number is 3
Your Soul Number describes your deepest desires and dreams and the person you truly want to be.

You desire to make people happy, laugh, and be all they can be. You want to create, have fun, and remain ever enthusiastic. You are a lover of life, and will do all you can to ensure those around you are aware of just how grand a gift life is.

Your Personality Number is 8
Your Personality Number reveals the "external you"--the personality traits others will know you by.

The 8 Personality is ambitious, influential and powerful. They radiate strength to the point of seeming larger than life. 8 Personalities are destined to lead others. They are balanced and slightly conservative. Their confidence assures others will have confidence in them as well.

Your Maturity Number is 8
Your Maturity Number reveals the person you will come to be--your true self.

Those with an 8 as their Maturity Number will find rewards through their accomplishments. Their early lives will be spent learning how to apply power without becoming dictatorial and finding a balance between the material and spiritual world. As you mature you will be called upon more and more often to lead others. If you learn to apply authority without becoming tyrannical you may well be thought of as one of the world's great leaders in your later years.

How

i didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me.
and now you want to ask me "how?"
it's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?
how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?

why did you come here?
you weren't invited.
and you're on the outside - stay on the outside.
and now you want to ask me "why?"
it's like - why does your heart beat, and how do you cry?
how does your heart beat?

and there are some things that i'd like to figure out.
there are some things that i can do without -
like you and your letters that go on forever,
and you, and the people that were never friends.

with all the things that you could be,
you never could learn how to be me.
and now you want to ask me "how?"
it's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?
how does you heart beat, and why do you breathe?

Acceptance

You spend your entire life wanting to be accepted by everything and everyone. You try hard at making yourself be like able and accepted, but some how its never enough. You come to a point in your life when you just stop even wanting to try. Try to make people understand you. Try to make them get what you're all about. Its just so insufferable having to elaborate everything about you.


You just have come to terms with everything. Accept who you are, for what you are and move on. To hell to those who claims to know you. Know your ins and outs. And to the mother who says that you're like any another predictable book, when in truth she has no idea where the true beginning is or where the end ends. Just to hell to them all.


Now its all about embarking on a true journey of self acceptance and love. Nothing else. Fight for you and only you. Strive for what you want and need to survive. Be well and healthy for you. Be all that you can be to succeed. It is all that you need.

Yoga alalalalalalall!!!

Finally came around to doing some excersice after a long while. Was kinda nervous at first but then I got into the groove . Well so i thought. At first it was normal stuff but when you come down to warrior pose and dog fighting pose you start to feel all your joints creaking. Especially my left knee, caused i injured it a few months back.

I made the loudest cricking sound with knee when we did the warrior pose. Goes to show everything is rusty. I'm glad the session wasnt too much. It was hatha yoga chill enough for a beginner. I think after a few classes everything will be alright. The instructor was sweet didn't catch her name though. I think its Natasha. She was incredible. For someone 8 months pregnant she can sure ass stretch. Much respect yo!

Cant' wait to go again. Frankly i'm over weight as it is. And ohh i cut my long hair today.Wanted something new hehehe. Lurve it for now.

Why ? why? why?

I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I have this sad feelings. I don't know why I feel like crying at times. Mostly in the morning. I wake up and i just feel this sadness from the pit of my heart. Is it because I'm not productive?
I'm so upset with myself for letting the sadness get to me.

At times, all the emotion tend to spill over to people around me.And it hurts them. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know what to do to be more assertive. I always thought that by unleashing what's inside would make things better.It turns out that it didn't. I found out the hard way yesterday. My own destructive actions nearly cost something dear to me. I just don't get it sometimes how i can be so careless about my feelings.

I feel like those girls who'd slash their hands to feel something but I do it by being emotionally destructive when things gets crazy or out of my hands. Even when i'm happy, i'll wonder to myself, "why am i happy?" I scrutinize every possible thing. Figuring out the quirks of that happiness i just achieved. It sounds crazy i know but i just can't stop myself from over analyzing things.

I thought i had my life on track. I thought for this moment its all figured out. I guess i'm still afraid of the unknown. I read somewhere everything good has risk in it. I'm on the edge. To jump is such a huge temptation but the last step is scaring me to bits. I have to do something. I have to change something. I need to feel in control again. Have a part of myself back. When will my courage kicks in

For you

Song for my love

The ultimate questions

Got this quotes from a good friend of mine. I saw it and it made me froze. Talk about a sign. How big of sign can this get.

Funny thing about Hurt

Funny thing about hurt, you don't know it until its too late. Mostly at the beginning you were just shocked. Once you get into the buzz of things and realised what had happen, you get upset and depressed. Sometimes I wished that instead of keeping quiet or civil about it, I'd yanked the person's chain there and then but i just don't have that evilness in me.

The week had been a rather mellow week and all I wanted to do was just chill and not worry about crap but somehow or rather its been like "the critising me week". Just every corner or so some little comment are made. Just when I thought I could just slide out and shut out all the negative-ness, some hag broad had to point out my short comings. Right i suffer a type skin problem.And its called eczema. It isn't that bad as some but it is visible to everyone.

In my case, my eczema,my skin has a low healing process. Basically it takes time for my skin to heal then any regular jane or joe. I still have some chicken poxes scars from when i was in my teens and i'm in my mid 20's.I've learn to except it be comfortable in my own skin but i've just been so tormented so long that sometimes on a bad day it gets to me and old wounds just pours out. I admit i'm still rather sensitive and emotional about the subject but its not something you get over after all the mental torcher of girls should be pretty perfect thin with flawless skin.

I'm sure there are million girls suffering the same thing as me. I realise to a point i should be greatful and not whine about it but it hurts being point out, called out infront of everyone you care and made example of your imperfections. Its worse when you just take it and smile to the bitch that said it to you square to your face. I wished that my hurt could have kicked in faster. That i could filter out the real issue the woman was trying to make. Maybe then i could just bitch slap her but then we never get what we wish for

Affirmations

Finally came around to registering my company this week. 19th June 2007 Novacaine Design, its official. For a minute there i was happy and i felt i had purpose in life. A target so to speak something to strive for. I beamed when i got the registration cert and number.Felt like graduation in an odd way.

I walked out from the registration office with a little skip to my steps but when i was going up the lift everything just came down on me. This whole thing makes it legit, I am an adult. With millions of responsibilities. Everything came rushing in and i wanted to cry to make matters worse it was the red flag week, so as you can imagine the tremendous outpour of emotions.

Everything became an issue. Usually i'm never as depressed, I guess all this being older shit just got to me. I gave myself a couple of days to sort it out doesn't seem to work. In the end i wrote and said affirmations. Positive ones to give a more positive aura to my day. I don't know if it works but so far today it has given me some sort energy to repel idiots with low comprehension skills.

I literally shut my mind up the minute the bastard started to rant on. An ability i've never had before. So i guess affirmations aren't that bad in so many ways. Maybe i'll try it for a bit more see where all this takes me. Another day another drama.

Ms Footie vs Ms Sappy

Last Saturday, I accompanied my boyfriend to a futsal game.At first i was reluctant because I never pictured myself being the girl seating on the site lines cheering her man on. You know the ones with pretty lil handbags, hair all made up wearing short primmed skirt. I couldn't do it, nope! no way. I'm the complete oppossite. i am action girl. I love playing football. I love being in the field the adrenaline rush. I love the sweat after a long hauled game.

So anyways, yah i was asked to accompany him to a game and i had to be Ms Sappy (Nickname i came up for girls cheering their man on) for that day. We were one of the first to get there. I thought great no girls. So that means i'm going to be alone in this . Minutes later in comes a married couple of two years.Friends of my boyfriend. We said our hellos and sat down.

When the game started it was just me and the wifey. She didn't warm up at first but after a few break the ice session (by me i might add) she finally talked. The games was a bore at the beginning but picked up quite a bit after 15 minutes.The Ms Sappy's hubby was made goalkeeper. I looked at her and figured i gave her a chance before i start forming an opinion of her. Before i actually complete the thought, she jumped on her feet and shouted " Come on baby!! Babby I love you!!" my jaw dropped completely.

I'm sucked into the twilight zone. The Ra-Ra girls for the mighty strong man. I had chills then. I had to excuse myself so I wouldn't burst out laughing at her. Oh well!!

Mind Vomit

Decided to move my blog to blogspot instead. Looked way better and the templates aren't that complicated. Starting fresh. Lately its been hard to just get things out on paper. Ideas doesn't seem to pour out as much as before. Maybe its from all the corporate work done or maybe its from the "know it all type clients", i'm not to sure. One thing i know for sure ,I'm close to just tossing in the towels when it comes to all this corporate branding .It bores me to death.

I need a new breathe of life. I've been wanting to have an exhibition but cant seem to have a proper time to organize the whole event. Found a few people that would make an interesting mix for the exhibition but I've still got to sort things out first. Need to lay down proposals. Argh!!! I hate writing proposals. Not the best of trades I might add. Putting things onto paper nowadays seems to be tough. I don't know if its the age thing or my mind is just dry of ideas.

I have to buck up and be more discipline. To succeed is to take risk. So risk here I come.