Why ? why? why?

I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I have this sad feelings. I don't know why I feel like crying at times. Mostly in the morning. I wake up and i just feel this sadness from the pit of my heart. Is it because I'm not productive?
I'm so upset with myself for letting the sadness get to me.

At times, all the emotion tend to spill over to people around me.And it hurts them. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know what to do to be more assertive. I always thought that by unleashing what's inside would make things better.It turns out that it didn't. I found out the hard way yesterday. My own destructive actions nearly cost something dear to me. I just don't get it sometimes how i can be so careless about my feelings.

I feel like those girls who'd slash their hands to feel something but I do it by being emotionally destructive when things gets crazy or out of my hands. Even when i'm happy, i'll wonder to myself, "why am i happy?" I scrutinize every possible thing. Figuring out the quirks of that happiness i just achieved. It sounds crazy i know but i just can't stop myself from over analyzing things.

I thought i had my life on track. I thought for this moment its all figured out. I guess i'm still afraid of the unknown. I read somewhere everything good has risk in it. I'm on the edge. To jump is such a huge temptation but the last step is scaring me to bits. I have to do something. I have to change something. I need to feel in control again. Have a part of myself back. When will my courage kicks in