My favourite man

                                                                             

( Photo credit to netherlands.lookbook.nu ) 

Going through this website called Lookbook. It's like facebook but it focuses more on individual with fashion in mind. They put up visuals of what they like to wear or what interest them in fashion. I'm completely in love with this website. Thanks MISS Lin for introducing me to this site. I"m completely 

obsessed.

Anyway, was scrolling through and i saw this guy ( image right ) Ok shallow time, he would be the most ideal looking man for me. Everything about him physically, is what i look at in a man.

Right kind of skinny. Right kind of built. His fashion sense is just right!!!

where oh where can i find this man!!! Here's hoping for more men like this in 2009. 

the end..

Another week and 2008 comes to an end. When I look back, its just so surreal how time just flies. Part of me is glad that it came and went just like that but another part dreads the end.

I'm not one to reminisce but for 2008,it has been quite an adventure. Both good and bad. Most of all, I found a little of myself then i have in the past years and Im glad.

Simplicity and reality has been the guiding force for this year. After the whole debacle with the ex, I've decided to not load myself with such enormous burden unless necessary. Taking my time in everything be it work..friends..or love. I've made a promise to not bulldoze into something i have no actual grasp on. Sticking to it has brought me much happiness.

Looking and living through a fresh perspective, has made me more patient, tolerant and slightly more forgiving of people's ignorance and idiocies ( yes girls, i'm working on my forgiving bit, not easy i'd might add ). There has been moments that i had to undergo such bewilderment. To this day i still shake my head to it when ever i recall the incident.I guess i believe and have to much hope in the goodness of people.Then again, changing a person is never my thing.I discoverd by saying things as it is and calling off all Bullshit has lifted the curtain of misconception and the idealism of how life should be. Most of the time, I feel like the shot above. I pace myself in order to see what is real and what is not.

The stillness of it all before all hell breaks loose. 

No more fairy-tale and romanticism. No more being sucked and pressured into doing something. No more pleasing the society. No more blending in. No more disrespect. 

Living life real,simple,honest and with my instinct...

When we are wise..

Remember when you were a lot younger there were certain things..scent..colours that you didn't particularly like. You'd frown when ever you see...touch..or smell those particular things. When I was in my younger years..i disliked anything colourful. Pretty much stayed with black,blue,brown and white most of my life. I disliked any scent that was musky or flowery..I find it tickled my nose. I disliked most things bombarded with flowers. Especially those Italian wooden chair, the type of chair you would find in a typical malay house. Gaudy looking, with bright mismatch colour and patterns.

As i grew wiser, I notice some of my dislikes faded but some stayed. My dislikes for colourful clothing went by like a flash. I now am a colourful believer. My dislikes for those Italian furniture sadly, still remains. Personally, I feel the person who came up with those furniture designs were either blind or drunk when he was drawing up the idea. I still don't understand why all the local big shots and wealthy still buy those hideous looking excuse for a furniture.

I guess with money doesn't mean you get style. Ah well..god is fair.

The most recent thing I found out and could knock off my dislike list is the scent of musk. I found that I'm rather alright with it. I thought as i grew wiser, I'd still have a slight distaste towards it but yah amazingly i was fine. Nose didn't tickled. Didn't sneeze a frenzy. I was utterly captivated by the smell. Maybe because it was on a man's neck when i smelled it. When I caught a whiff of that scent, I was bemused. I quickly asked him what brand of perfume it was..and he answered "Dunhill" and i was shocked. Never in a million years I'd thought i'd be utterly captivated let alone wanting to smell more of this scent.

When I told my "discovery" to my friend she said " We're just getting old dear" and laughed. Stating that, she solved the mystery..

Something about music..

I love love love music...I can't live without it. It's like an extension of me. It says things i can't say.When ever i share music with someone , its my way of saying you matter to me. And if i sing to them..and i look them right into their eyes...i want them to see my soul. It my grand gesture so to speak. Because of that i go to great length to find songs that speaks..not just to me but to the people i care...and love. 

Constantly looking for good music gives me the drive to wake up every morning and live. Now being here in Melbourne, I feel like crying. There's good music everywhere. You switch on the radio...there it is GOOD BLARDY MUSIC!!! You go out and there it is at the corner of your house, a great cafe with excellent latte!!!! and a KICK ASS Record store!!! and the weather!!! sheessh absolutely FANTASTIQUE!!!! ( with a slight aussie accent ) . Dont' get me started with the creative environment here. It's just so positive. They take music and art seriously that at times i had to pinch myself. Im really dreading leaving..I'm seriously considering moving here..and im not kidding.

Everything here seems to just fit. Everything make sense. The best thing, you feel like you matter people take you seriously when you talk about concepts. Is just so refreshing that they're not all agro and egoistical. Everything seems much clearer now. It's just simple..

Change..

What is Change? according to the dictionary, change is : to make or become different. When do you change?, for who would you change? and for what cause would you change? I find it these days, people change for absolutely absurd reasons. Most of the time it occurs when they're in a relationship. They change for their loves ones because they feel it'll help the relationship. When almost every time, it doesn't because the basis of the relationship was made on something unreal.

For me change or wanting to be different has to come on its own. It's something i believe that you can not and must not force. When it does not come on its own free will, it'll never work. It will never be honest. It won't be you...Why change in the first place when what made you was the one that sold you to your other half..friends or family.. I believe that you weren't made solely to complete someone's life but rather be an accompaniment. I'd want to be with someone, who'd respect me for me and love me for me. Take me with all my messiness (if there's such a word ) especially my hair.. yes its messy at the back DEAL WITH IT!!!, the fact that i don't wear make up all the time but only on special occassions. Take me with all my absurd constant mumblings of everything and nothing. And no i will not wear those cute cheerleader skirts coz you think its cute!!!! Shut it! and the list goes on... *laughs* But yah..why change the essence that makes you..you.. The constant struggle of wanting to be liked and needed..

I've come to a stage in my life, where i know what i want and i'm not afraid to say what i want. Enough with all the sugar coating BULLSHIT. It'll be much simpler if everything is laid out and explained slowly. And if they can't accept it, its fine. It's not the end of the world...(though at time it feels like it) but yah..pick yourself up..dust yourself off..and walk up..is all you can do..

Friendly or too friendly?

I've always had this problem where people tend to misread my friendly ways. Some perceived it as being flirty. Granted at some point I can be a big flirt at times but to only quiet guys. I don't know why I do it maybe just to make the guy feel alil at ease with himself or maybe i simply like quiet guys or maybe im just plainly trying to make friends.

so yah my question , where do you draw the line between friendly and being too friendly? I've gone out with some men where by just rubbing their backs is considered as being too friendly.That act alone then was perceived as a sign of interest on my part. When in actual fact, is just how i show care and warmth. Even hugging now is considered too friendly. Ok given, it is not in our malay/islamic culture to hug another men who are not our 'muhrim'. Fine i'm modern , but yah trivial things such as that gets you in a loop.

At times, it gets really tiring for me to proof to people that things are not how it seems. Constantly stating that i'm not interested with the man i was friendly with. Is just odd that you constantly have to justify your actions. For me to like someone as in really like takes alot.. I could fall for them there and then and not tell them because i simply want to digest it all. Usually the one i like..i rarely show much coz i'm usually the last to know when it comes to the liking department. Yes! that's how blur i can get but that doesn't mean that by me being kind..warm..caring and friendly is a sign of flirtations. Ah well..guess sometimes it is how it is..you just cant change people's mind..

Yes!! you gotta Pay!!!

It sickens me to the bone, that my profession as a Designer is looked upon as 3rd rate in the profession pyramid. People here especially in South East Asia, they don't give designers such as myself much credit. Just because we're not part of the golden professional trinity 

( doctors, lawyers & engineers ) we don't deserve respect, better pay and better treatment. I've been in my industry for almost 5 years now and i've worked from the bottom. Everyday, from then is a constant struggle. We constantly have to deal with clients with issues of letting go. Some of these clients, don't understand how we function and work. 

They constantly bother you at every stage of the design process. They tell you how to do your work. What colors to choose. What concept to take. They demand unreasonable deadlines . They don't understand that good design takes time and when it involves print production in takes a minimum of 1 week and that is for offset. I find it absolutely redundant for them to hire a designer in the first place if they're gonna butt in all the time. If they can't trust a designer to do their job, don't hire one. DO IT YOURSELF!!

You don't see the doctor and tell him how to do his job RIGHT! You sit your ass down. You tell him what's wrong and he comes up with a diagnose and a prescription slip. Then out you go. You pay the man, business transaction complete. Why can't designer be treated as such? We do the job. Deliver it on time. Give you the best service money can buy but when it comes down to paying the bill, there's always problems. List of excuses i heard so far:

1. How come so expensive?

2. Your design so simple what!

3. My boss not in to sign the cheques

4. Can pay bit by bit ?

and the list goes on. Boy i wish i'd get a dollar for every excuses i've heard. Another classic problem is when a client refuses to pay for your services just because they decided not to use your designs. I say BOLLOCKS!!!! I don't blardy care if you don't use it. You still have to PAY!!! Creative consultation doesn't come free YO!! My ideas are my bread and butter. 

Try going to a lawyer and ask for an advice. Then treat him as you treat a graphic designer. Do you think, he'd let you walk out of his office without charging you ass EVEN though you disagreed with his advice / solution!!! No way in HELL. Expect a bill coming your way.

It is a service industry and it is subjective. 

All i ask is that, treat every profession with trust and much respect. Though they vary when placed side to side but they are specialist of their own sector. if you give them more, they will surprise you with their abilities. 

talk=not moving on???

Why is it when we talk about how we feel or when we unload certain emotions from our past, we're considered as not moving on?

I find this odd! 

Is it a crime to talk about what hurt us in the past? Why do people automatically assume that when you talk about your past, you're still angry and bitter about it. Ok, granted some people might be angry or bitter about their past but you can't crucify everyone just because some bad apple feels absolutely betrayed by a certain someone from their past.

I recently had a conversation with a friend about my past. At first it was alright but it became weird when the topic of moving on came to play. He asked what made me moved on? I answered "I moved on because he (my ex) made me feel like a fool, so i decided to drop him coz he's not worth it"  then my friend answered "What's done is done..move on"  When he said this, I couldn't help but feel "Huhh??"  It was just odd for me, for him to assume that I haven't moved on. To make matters worse his assumption was based on a remark that was meant to set a record straight. In actual fact he knows i've been out dating and meeting new people. I find it weird that with what he knows, it got wiped cleaned because of my unloading session.

Back to the question, does talking about it = not moving on? If that's the case then we should kill all the psychiatrist. We don't need them because apparently it doesn't help to talk. It's better to shut up about it and let the sorrow eat you up inside out. I swear sometimes, the local culture is soo screwed up. You're not allowed to voice your pain. You're not allowed to voice your opinion. You're not allowed to voice your apologies. What are you allowed to do? 

I say, screw it because we're human. We become better people by learning from our mistakes. Say what you need to say and let it out. If no one believes you..atleast the universe and god knows. I on the other hand am just gonna be me. I heal by unloading my feelings. It's been good for me so far. So i'm going to stick with it. I don't want the bitterness eating me inside out.

I for one would like for someone to be upfront with their feelings..don't you..XOXO..

Closure...

Its like Dave Grohl said "Tonight Im tangled in my blanket of clouds ,Dreaming aloud,Things just wont do without you, matter of fact" I think I've fallen for someone. I know who he is but for now he'll remain anonymous. At first, I thought i was in love with a fictional version of him but after much much thought... I now know that its not true. I've always been in love with him. The him that gets me. The him that makes me laugh. The him that cared about what i thought, my passion. The him that wants and needs my attention (before everything when down the shit hole) The him that has groovy taste in clothes and shoes. The him that dances to jazz and loves Sinatra. The him that is funny and intelligent.

Sadly, what ever i've realised...what ever i feel for him doesn't effect him. Probably at one point it did but now..I've barely made a dent. I want to let him go..even how i feel for him..but as big Dave said above, everything wouldn't be right. He's been there through out everything with me. He knows me in and out. I confided in him. Completely broke down in front of him. It just wouldn't be right but I can't just sit still and pretend that i feel absolutely nothing for him. Pretend to be ok when i see him. I hate that I can't be close to him and that I can't hold his hand or hug him. Just tears me apart inside. So now, I've taken drastic measures. I made my own closure. I told him, well text him that I'm letting him go. I cant pretend..I just can't.

Some of you might disagree with my actions but I can't move anymore. I've made it simple. I've said what needs to be said to him.All my cards has been called..and it's all laying on the table. I've completely and emotionally humiliated myself but i'm not upset that i did all that because if i didn't then i wouldn't know that I'm Ok and that i'm over Kama and that in actual fact he wasn't the one i want most..it was another..I just realised it all too late..

This is for you.. and you know who you are....To all the nights we hung out..the talks..driving around confiding to each other about anything and everything, the late phone calls, the night we fell asleep next to each other, the music we shared..Thank you for it all..and I wish for your happiness...I'm so sorry that i'm not strong enough to take this..

Driven by visuals

( Image on the left is with make up and the right is without )


Couple of nights back, was hanging out with some friends and we got to talking about appearances. Well actually they were talking about apperances, I was too hungry to be all bothered about it. Anyway, yah my friends were going at each other about how a woman should be. How they should look like and dress. At this point, I paid attention. One of my guy friends was explaining how things work for men. How they are very much driven by the PACKAGE

He went on explaining about the PACKAGE saying that a man will pay more attention to a woman if she's well groomed. If she takes the time to sort out her hair make sure every strand is in place and that she wore some make up to enhance her beauty ( my take on that is, "Hun you need to put more colour on your face to cover that tiredness", in other words put your mask on ) and that she wore a more feminine outfit, like a dress or a pencil skirt with a WHITE shirt.

According to him, if a woman were to do the things he just mentioned, we could definetly get the attention of any men because they're simple creatures. For them a woman should be in this order LOOKS-BRAIN-HEART anything besides that means absolutely nothing. You deliver those things in that order you'll get the man eating out of the palm of your hands.

When my friend was done explaining his theory, everyone at the table had mixed expression on their faces. Some agreed , some find it too complicated and some find it conniving . I fell in the category of conniving. Why you ask? well for me, my take in the whole thing is why does the man need for the woman to be all pretentious in order for him to feel something for her?
Why does she has to look all made up for him to be interested in her? She is the same person she was before she put on that make up. Isn't her essence more important than her physique?

I'd like the guy to get to know me and see me in my rawest form. Without make up just the naked me. Pure and simple. When I see that he has some sort of attraction towards me, I make myself more alluring. I wear nicer clothes put some make up. I do this gradually, in phases. I show him how'd i look like in different occasion. That i can clean up real well. I do this as form of reward for him because he appreciated me first at my purest state. That makes him one hell of a guy and that is rare...

Monster in law

I was watching tv yesterday night and a trailer for this movie came on and i couldn't help but laugh. You see about a year ago I watched this with my ex's mother. Back then we ( my ex, his mother and i ) laughed about it and how it was absurd and that it would never happen to us. Boy was I wrong. I should've taken that movie as a sign coz what came after was absolute HELL!!

Of course she didn't put me through the same ordeal as the movie but trust me it was equally bad. One thing i wished I had done, I wished I'd uphold my dignity. Show her what sort of person I am. Fight the way Jennifer Lopez did. Ohh I wished for that. Then again, Jennifer had a reason to fight coz her man stood by her where as mine well...he was tired. That meant the relationship won't work. So i gave up. I don't see the point of fighting for a relationship when my other half has already given up before the war even started.

The thing is how far can we fight. The sad thing about being asian is, if you were to pull the same stunt Jennifer pulled you would be labeled as the DEVIL WOMAN! and no way in hell would you be able to marry your man and if you did, she (mother in law) would make your life a living HELL! or worse they'd go to those kampung bomoh (witch doctors) and come back with all those voo doo crap!

When you think about it, marriage is scary. Not only do you have to tolerate a new environment, you have to tolerate all sort of bullshit from the immediate family. If you are a muslim girl is worse because you have to follow where ever you husband goes and normally at the beginning of the marriage you have to stay in his family home. That my friend is not a pretty picture. When there's two alpha woman living under one roof, expect bad things to happen.

Oh well, Im glad that it didn't happen. I thank God everyday for protecting me. Shielding me from all the melodrama. Don't get me wrong it hurt as hell when it ended but at least i was spared a lifetime of sorrow. Many thanks to God!! I love you..

Sans Ego

What an eventful couple weeks. Loads of soul searching and reassessing life's decisions. When such days knocks on your door, the first thing you'd do is call up your girls and schedule a meeting. Meeting such as these you tend to discover what sort of person you are and what you've become. The sources are of course viable because its from those you care and love most.

It was brought to my attention by my fellow love ones that I am an egoistical maniac. Not all the time though, only on certain matters and topic. The topic that day was men. So yah, that's where the ego kicks in rather high. Of late i can assure you, its only been on rather high alert after the recent break up. Anyway, back to the issue at hand. I called the meeting to ask for some perspective on a recent unforeseen incident.

Recently, a very close friend made his feelings known to me and like a yellow bellied chicken i bolted because I was confused. SO i thought then ,actually i still don't know for sure if i'm not. How did i ran you asked? Well, I did what any macho egoistical person would do. I say stupid things. The first stupid thing I said was " i was being a man, you wanted to give what I craved most. So like a man i took it" The second one was " I think i have something for you but Im not sure and I don't think my head is screwed up right to figure it out just yet" ( you can actually scratch this out because my recent break up really did a number to my head ) . After all those macho cock up crap of an excuse, we both decided to lay low and just be there for one another. In other words our friendship was bigger than our feelings for one another.

But me being me, after the whole fiasco I kept thinking about it. I kept analyzing it. Wondered where i went wrong and what if.
So that's where the counsel came in. Their take on the whole matter was I was cold and rather hard on the guy. They don't blame me though but they said that I should atleast try and put my ego aside and try again. Try talking to the man. Ask him out take it slow get to know each other in a different tune.

So i did just that. I put away the ego and strike up a small conversation with him. I manage to make myself ask him out but to no avail, he turned me down. He said that he's comfortable where is and with who he is now and that he's not ready. I tried to reason with him but he didnt' budge. I got rather emotional at the end ( we tend to do that when our guards are down, right girls ) and i said " Is it me? I don't fit your criteria? I guess you cant pursue someone if they don't want to be pursued". He didn't reply back to that remark and I took that as an end. I don't blame him though. I'd turned me down after the whole crap i said to him. Well, from that incident, I've taken upon myself to just let it go. I tried. I tried to want to explore the feelings but it couldn't happen. Oh well, another chapter close. It's time to climb up again with my bruised up ego.

Role in the next drama...

Cant take my eyes off you

It's hard when you lose someone dear to you. Regardless if its a person or a pet, the feeling of lost is still the same, deep and painful. I came home this past weekend after a long night shoot to find my cat Kabus sprawled out on our porch. I dropped my bags and immediately tend to her but i realise I couldn't do much. She was on her side and letting out small meows. I knew deep down she wouldn't last the night. I stayed by her side as long as i could.Keeping her comfortable as much as i can.

I didn't think that It would come to this. She looked well before i left for Kuantan. I shouldn't have assumed. I try not to be mad at myself but sometimes I can't seem to help it. I hate it when people tell you that its for the best and she's in a better place. It hurts me to hear it. I know they mean well but its just painful to hear. Kabus was such a kind soul. She came into our lives when we were in need of guidance. She made our home, whole.

I feel sorry for my mom. She seemed so lost. Its like she lost her child. Her spirit is all broken up. I'm gonna miss Kabus's soft eyes. Tilting her head side ways to get our attention or for an extra chicken. Such a pity she had to go that way..I hope we made your last hours comfortable Kabus...

Menanti sebuah jawaban

There's always a song in your life that'll have a significant meaning. Be it a good or bad song it will almost always bring you back to some old memory in the past. Sometimes with an old feelings attached. Recently, a song from the past came back. This particular song, meant the world to me. It said things that I would dream of saying to this one person but i never had the guts.
Finally after so many years, it was out and he knew the meaning of it all. I felt a great relief. To certain extent, he too shared some feelings as i did before in the past. The sad thing was, I couldn't feel what i wanted to feel. I couldn't be in the moment, that beautiful moment that I've wished to be in so many moons *smile*

I wished circumstances were different. That i was ok and ready to receive whatever emotions but I can't. Recent wounds have yet to heal. I feel unfair to persue something which my heart has not warrant for or maybe i was just tired. Tired of constantly waiting
and finding out in the end, it was too late. What feelings i had before in the past, was just burried too deep and I guess for now it wants to remain asleep...

Too romantic for my own good

Whenever I get into a relationship with a guy, I find out that I'm much more romantic than they are. I go through loads of trouble to show them how i feel. Be it from expressing it verbally or by going through painstaking hell, picking the ultimate song that'll explain how I feel about them and our relationship. But all these acts of care, romance and love almost always falls on hard wall.I can only name few exs that'll reciprocate similar actions and feelings but of recent, I've yet to feel romanced. Maybe my expectations are high. Maybe I'm an ultra sensitive. I just find it odd for a person to not be honest about how they feel. Why hide the love you have for someone. Why be afraid of someone you care about? I guess there are reason as to why people keep their feelings to themselves. I myself learned the hard way. Never let out your all for someone who almost never work for your attention or love. Someone dear to me once said, " If you hand them the reward from the beginning instead of dangling it before their eyes, they will never know the value of you" My overly romantic gestures and feelings caused me my dignity and trust.

To tell you the truth,I have no one to blame but myself. I have no one to be upset with but myself. In the end, it was me who chose to believe. I didn't come out of this at total lost. I learned something. I learn that man or woman to a certain extend would repeat the vicious cycle. What I meant by that is, after a breakup for some reason we morph into our past exs.We become more sceptical of future gf / bf. We doubt their credibility even more. My recent ex, turned into his ex fiance. She was quiet to a point that she doesn't say how she feels even when she's hurt. She didn't bother to earn his affections because she knew he would, so with me he did the same. He was the receiver and i was the giver. That's how it went throughout the relationship. He turned into her because he was hurt by her. He subconsciously became her, the person he hated most and in the end he was her.

I can't say I feel sorry for him, I think I've done that throughout our relationship. The choices that we make are our own. He made his. By his judgement and inconsiderate action cost him ...me..my trust..my friendship above all.

Tailor Made

Some people live their life with everything figured out in their head. What they're gonna be when they grow up. What sorta friends they should have. Who they should date. Who they should end up with. How the husband and wife to be should look like. Its just so amazing how people can just put all of it togather as if its some puzzle.

At one point of my life, I thought i'd grow up to be a lawyer. Married a tall and handsome looking white man with blue eyes and alittle dimple on the side when ever he smiles. I'm 4 years away from my 30th Birthday, non of that has came close to coming through, well except the fact i've dated few causcasian and am still quite attached to one Hawaiian man i met when i was 19 years old. Didn't work coz I didn't believe in long distance relationship ( wonder how that'll turn out ). I'm not whining or anything, is just that for me i realised, I couldnt do it all. I couldn't be or live based on someone elses expectation. I told myself, If there's going to be an added stress or preassure then it better be on my own terms.

Everyone i know aims for perfection in some sort of way or another. Whether in physical attributes, life or career. What is perfection? What is perfection worth now? If its at your own expense and your unhappiness, then forget it.

I'd rather do something that's tailored made for me. My life, my looks, my career, my music and my relationship. I'll be deciding if they fit me and not the other way around. You should move at your pace..Live your life..

Breathing...

One minute you're this and then you're another?

A night of all nights I can't seem to fall asleep. Thoughts keeps on popping in my head. Maybe its the hormone in balance. Maybe its the cosmos. Who knows but its definitely in the air. One thing that kept on bugging me, is how people change when they've come out of a relationship. They've become an entirely different person.

I just don't get that. Why do you have to change? Why do you have to change the essence of you? I find that, I fall more out of love with my exs because of this.The whole sudden transformation. I can't even hang on to them as friends coz I don't know them. They change before my very eyes. Whenever i see them or bump into them at some function, I realise the person i fell for is no longer there. What stands before me is a complete stranger. A stranger that on a normal day, I wouldn't even give him a second glance.

The question that lingers in my head is, "Is it so bad to be reminded of someone that you love and once share a part of you with them?" " Is that why you have to change everything around you, so you wouldn't be reminded of the memories, the love?"
and is it so bad to show how you still feel for you ex?

Some of you out there might say Yes and some might say No to the questions above. As for me, I'm not one to hide how i feel. I don't believe in games. I believe in letting the other person know how I feel inside. Tell them what they're worth to me and how much i love and care for them. That's why, I am who I am. I don't change my essence because it defines me as me. I want my my past and future love to know that what ever he and i went through is special and no one cant take it a way. No relationship share the same kind of love.

But then again, you can never control another humans emotion. If they chose to let you go without realising your worth and not fight for you, then its pretty evident that you mean absolutely jack shit to them. They can say anything later on down the road but for me when they don't initiate anything from the beginning then it's pointless. Its funny i've only realise all this after so long but a minute longer is better than never. My only regret in the whole fiasco is that I allowed myself to be used but as the good book said " Don't be ashamed of your goodness, you are what you are regardless of how people defines you. Do good and help those in need". I'll try my very best to do that without any prejudice..For now that's all i can do *smile*

And we froze...!!!!

I received this invite couple days back from this organisation called Randomalphabets.com. The invite reads "KL Freeze in Unison. 2.30pm. Sunday 13th April.Where human beings get together to do something in unison, without speeches or reference to their age, colour, sex, beliefs and background"


At first I didn't get the whole thing, until the next day i got an email from a friend asking me to check my mailbox. Apparently they had release the location of the "Freeze Point". I find this whole thing ridiculous but i had nothing better to do on Sunday i decided to just wing it. Sent a message RSVP-ing my attendance and check out the list of people going on facebook. To my surprise the the number of people attending was HUGE!!! i think around 900++. I got be excited. The fact that it was a covert mission and a big one at that I just wanted to be apart of it. I mean its just 4 minutes. WHat is 4 minutes out of your entire day right.

So come Sunday (today), we ( Jess, Razak, Lim and I ) headed to the briefing point, which was in LOT 10. When we gathered there, you could see everyone around was really weird out. Even the guards freaked out at the numbers of young people gathering around. We waited for the agent to come with the little orange flyers to tell us our "Freeze Point" By 2.30pm we got our flyers and headed out to Pavillion. Everyone had a different location to FREEZE. We were told to freeze right after the fashion show ended. 5 minutes before the fashion show ended we went to our designated freeze area but for some reason there were some sort of confusion we headed back to the central area (where the fashion show was) we saw almost everyone froze. Jess and i freaked out coz we thought we missed it but we jsut decided to just freeze anyway.

It was completely hilarious. We had people crashing into us. We had them take our pictures. Heard some comments like " Ohh don't worry honey is one of those thing on youtube. Where they freeze for a few minutes and then walk off" It was just out of this world. Definetly and odd experience.

We unfreezed after we heard the head of the organisation clapped and screamed. The news people showed up interviewed people it was wild. The pavillion management wasn't too happy about the whole thing. Big drama angry bald guy charging at the news people. The last freeze i heard ended up on the news. I think this one will for sheer number of people that turned up.

Im so happy that all the younger generation are up for this peaceful show of union. No violence , no words but action. In the end only that works.GOOD JOB guys!!!

Here's a sample video from youtube of a freeze in New York.Check it out

And I just realized...

I've listened to this song on the radio million of times but her words didn't effect me before as it did now. I find it rather odd. Out of the blue the words just strike right into my heart. I didn't cry or anything but i felt this jolt of sorrow. I havent been feeling those sort of feelings awhile. I guess I've been blocking it out.

Funny how a simple song like this, an everyday song could give such an effect. Since it strike right on the money, its pretty obvious that one would start pondering about it. At first i thought it was my ex that i felt this way for but honestly it wasnt. When it came to him, there are scars ofcourse but most of all just utter blankness. I guess when you made out your mind to take a day as a new day everything else just melts away.

I think i know who I have this feelings for but I'm not entirely sure. It might just be a passing emotions. For now, we'll just have to lock up all the boxes and just let it all runs its course. Enjoy the song guys..

You come first

You can only be so nice some of the time and the balance of it all, you need to sit down and think whether the person that you're helping really deserves it. You NEED to be realistic and logical. Why? because most of the time you can't help everyone at one go. And you can't help them when you're not happy and strong first. It just takes a lot out of you.

You HAVE to come first or what ever you've done, be it helping someone, It would all be in vain because you'll start doubting the sincerity of it all. It takes a big person to give and not expect anything in return. And it takes a bigger person to give and help others and then get bitched at in return.

It just drains you out, this whole gig, helping out and being the nice guy. Doesn't give you the self worth that you need. You do get the occasional " Yah i did something good today. I've contributed" but that's pretty much it. You have that one minute of goodness and then it just disappears like smoke.

I recently read this book "Dont Be Sad" and it said that you can't be upset with yourself for being nice and helpful. And you cant be upset that there are assholes in the world that doesn't appreciate you and your worth. They're just built that way and so are you..you're just built with alot of goodness. In other words we can't get in a twist if people are just mean and crappy to you. You just gotta be you and remain as you even though you'll cross path with a couple of assholes along the way. It's easier said that done ofcourse because these are feelings we're dealing with. I know its been rather hard for me but i can at least say i try and that for now is good enough for me. There's some progress.

So to the assholes of the world WATCH OUT coz this bitch is on the loose and she's coming to the theatres near you.Hang on to your hats and panties all hell's gonna break loose.

Why do we constantly pick the wrong one?

With all the constant preassure of marriage from society, family and friends, it doesn't help matters of choosing the right one. You would think that at this day an age, people would just lighten up about it. Fine, that it is a parental thing to worry whether your child would end up hitched to someone or anyone for that matter. So long as they get hitched. Personally, not to sound disrespectful towards the elders, I think they should just lay back. I mean nothing good comes out from things that are rushed. So what if your son or daughter turns 25 or 26, it wasn't written anywhere or in any book that at that age they should settle down.

No matter how much i grumble about this, I can't change society, family or friends. Fact is, everyone is obssessed about being with someone. Because of that, because of this race against time set by society, we always manage to choose the wrong one. There are times, you'd think that he or she might be the one but something about em doesn't fit. It's as if you've forgive and let go of all their misgivings and inadequacy. In other words, we settle for less than what we deserve.

We look to our left and right and just grab whomever that makes us feel alittle comfortable. Alittle loved and cared for. We fall into the bullshit of it all. We get all caught up with what the tvs and the movies said about love and romance. We just get caught up. Well, I refuse to get caught up. Anything less than passion, romance, compassion, humour, witt,kinkyness, sweet smile and heart, intelligence, and would fall head over heels for me as me and would stand for me when I'm in need of a support, wouldn't work. I don't want anything less than that anymore.
Why lessen myself for someone who's never been worthy of me. I don't know if this whole experiment would work and that I'd find the one, but atleast i know if all fails, I came out on the other end as me and no one else. With a guy or no guy in tow. I'm up for slowing down the race...

2008 year ...of the Rat??!!!

I find it rather odd that the year of the rat would be called a lucky year, let alone for the ladies. But if its stated in the stars, who am I to disagree. I'm all for luck. Truth is i need it. I wouldn't say the year before wasn't good. It has its moments but towards the end, it went south.

So yah, if it says in the stars its a lucky year, I'm all game. First on the astrology bit they said we ladies are gonna make tonnes of moolah. Since luck is on my side, I decided to invest in unit trust give it a go. I'd rather stock up the moolah and make my empire grow rather than spend on things i don't need ( That'll change when i see a nice pair of shoes or out of the world leather bag that i need to have ) I mean with the rate the economy is going through , I think it's wises choice to be making. To some our country's inflation doesn't look bad, honey you ought to thanked your lucky stars our government are pumping in the money to keep us afloat.

The second bit is relationships. To be honest, I know the stars said its fine to hook it up but I'm just gonna take a raincheck on it. Take care of me and my health and life. Get the career on the running. Don't get me wrong, If a guy ask me out..I'll go but that's pretty much it. I don't want to get into something when I'm not over the emotional rollercoaster. One thing for sure this time, I'm gonna do in with eyes wide open. No more emotional blindness regardless what the astrology.

As for health, it said that it pretty much varies between the animals. If you are a dog such as myself then you have to watch it on the experimental and rigorous sports. Physical injuries are at a high risk this year.

And our wealth ladies, are looking bright right now. Its expected to be on a rise come mid of the year. So don't you worry about the year end sale. We'll make it. We'll make it big.