In the darkest hour...

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, that little thing that tells you that you might have done something rash. The kind of feeling you can only get when you're in a total emotional limbo. This is what i hate about breaking up. Everything that was once in control is now out of my control. My once sound mind, has now become screwed up. I can't have an actual emotion without analyzing it. At times I wish, I could just be man so I could just compartmentalize all the bullshit in my life and focus on things that will make me successful.

Sadly, I can't be a man. I am a woman and like any other woman, we dissect every single thing in the relationship in this case past relationship. So in my darkest hour, while I sat alone at the mamak, I rewind and replayed every bit of my relationship with my ex. I cut and edit everything in my head. Looking at everything as if it was under a microscope. Thinking to myself about what I could have done differently and what I shouldn't have done.

From all the rewinding and forwarding of our relationship, there was one particular conversation caught my attention. I remember asking the ex, why throughout the relationship I had always made the move. I had always made it easier for him to reach out and take or feel what ever he wants. And now, that we've broken up, he still doesn't even want to put any effort in making whatever we got left work. In some subconscious way he still expects me to give in and make it easier. I asked him why all this are still happening. He said he didn't want to give me hope. Hope of us getting back together. If he were to unlock the real feelings he has inside, it'll create some sort of hope in me. He fears that. He fears that I might get hurt again on his account.

But his fellow mate said to me today, " If he doesn't have hope at all in his heart than there is no point of you hoping for something to spark" Which is why now ladies and gentleman, I am in an emotional limbo and in my darkest hour. I tell myself not to care because if I do then i'll start having all this memories and emotions flooding in at once and i have no control of this and i cant take it.

Maybe is true about what his mate said, why wait for someone that isn't willing to put his money on you. Why think of someone who wouldn't even unload his love for you, for the fear of losing his dignity. Why put your heart out on a silver platter when all they want to do is just whack it to millions pieces? The answer I don't know. I guess I am a romantic person. I always thought to some point that love was meant to be simple and not to be disrupted with issues of money, status and appearance. I think its about time i burst my own bubble and face the reality of things. Love doesn't mean a thing when its made easy. It has no worth when there isnt any one striving for it.

From now on, the next guy that comes along, I hope he beats me with a bat to tell me that his infront of me because if he doesn't than this boat is sailing away.

Bye...For Now..

And they say "When you love someone , you have to let them go" and I did just that last weekend. It wasn't the easiest thing to do but it had to be done. It was a good 16 months.We had a good run. He was my bestest friend, soulmate and love. I had to make the ultimate sacrifice because I didn't want to be the cause of his misery with his family and primarily his mother. But that wasn't the only reason. I didn't want to be a hypocrite. I couldn't be around him and love him, when i had such anger and a growing dislike for his mother. It wouldn't be fair. Plus I just couldn't take anymore of the insults and personal ridicules the mom made towards me and my family. It was just time to draw the line.

Whatever his family is he isn't.I fell for him, for the person that he is. A good son and a good man. For now, our path has to split. He has to discover himself and I have to build a better me. I have a lot to prove and alot to do. Maybe the move I made wasn't right, maybe it is. I don't know but I'll just leave it to god to decide. If it was meant to be, he and I will meet and in that time we will be one. Till then , life has to go on, there's nothing but the future. We just have to move on and think of the best and the most positive.

I leave you with Coldplay-The scientist

This song is for you. Everything I want and need to say to you is all here. Be strong.

I want...

Today is the day I tell the universe what I want. Ok ok it might sound as if I had an overdose of The Secret but when you read the book and watch the DVD, you kinda pick up on the positive vibes. In a section of the DVD, one of the philosophers suggested that we make an "I Want List". It's like a to do list of what you want to have done through out your entire life. The list is a means for you to focus on so you wouldnt lose track of the things you want most. Another way to not dwell on the negatives. So today I decide to make my very own " I want list". Here goes.

- I want to have a healthy and fit body

- I want to have smooth and flawless skin

- I want to be spiritually complete and one with my religion

- I want to be more positive, confident and assertive of myself

- I want to love myself more and accept me more

- I want my relationship with my mom to be more positive, warm and closer

- I want to have 1 million dollars in my bank by the age of 30

- I want to be married to a man that respects, love, care and will guide me through this life according to our islamic beliefs.

-I want to be a successful business woman

- I want to have my dream office space

- I want to buy my mother her dream car and house in the next 3 years

- I want be independent

- I want to make an impact in my community and help the less fortunate

- I want regular income, projects

- I want to sing and perform my heart out next year

For now, the ones above are the ones i'm focus on. I'm sure i'll add somemore to the list soon.
The first step is done and now to follow through.

The day good english became a 4 letter word

Yes you read it right, the title is saying what it means. Several days back I was accused of vulgarity when I used the word "civilised" to calm a maniac of a woman, who went all psycho on me when I tried to elaborate a specific situation. The accuser, was the woman's daughter. I believe the maniac was too shocked at my chosen words that she couldn't bring herself to confront me but sent her blank headed of a daughter to deliver her two cents. The conversation went like this:

Accuser: What ta' hell did you say to my mother?

Me: What are you actually referring to because we spoke at length about a lot of things.

Accuser: I was told that you were rude and disrespectful.

Me: Is that so? How was I rude and disrespectful? As far as i could remember, I didn't get a decent word in. How could I , with your mother screaming at the top of her lungs, saying obscene things to me . Which I found odd because it had nothing to do with the issue at hand.

Accuser: You used the word "Civilised"

Me: Yes I did. Of course I did. You'd do the same when a mad woman goes on a rampage. That's the most decent thing you'd say. I'd had a different word in mind but because I remember who your mother was, I refrained myself from sinking to your family's level.

Accuser: Couldnt you have used a different word? Do you think you're better than us just because you used complicated words?WHAT!! Do you think you're smarter than us?


Me: First of all, the word "civilised" is not a FOUR LETTER WORD. If i had let what your moronic of a mother get to me, the word civilized would be the least of her concern. I said to your mother lets sort this out like civilized people because she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

Accuser: YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT QUIET AND LISTENED. DON'T YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR THE ELDERS. WHY DID YOU USE THAT WORD!!! YOU'RE RUDE.


Me: Not when they're not right, self centered, crazy and verbally abusive. I wasn't raised to tolerate that sort of third world country mind set. If you think its rude to stand up for yourself than that's you're prerogative.

After the nitwit and I hung up, I couldnt help myself but laughed. She got all worked up about a word that meant : ( civilized) polite and well-mannered . Her reaction was as if I cussed at her mother. By god I did want to wring the woman's neck for what she said but yah, she got worked up about a word that meant nothing. I'm just in utter disbelief of the reaction. Everytime, since that day, when i recall back, I laugh. To think that you have idiots like these around.Mann...the world has trully became bonkers.

A Grey Day..

Woke up today, with one of those bad feelings. The type that makes you want to go back into bed and hide under your covers for the whole entire day and just wallow in your sadness and depression. It's a wonder isnt' it, how words can effect you. Especially when negative things are being said about you by someone you used to have a lot of care for.

Regardless what is said true or not, sometimes it just gets to you. Especially when you've been having such a vulnerable week. But today was a different sort of grey. How death could just snap you back into perspective. It tells you that there's so much more in life to look forward to rather than worried about some negative people and their theories of you they've concocted in their stupid and boring life.

In facing death today, a sudden realization came to light, it doesn't mean anything if no attention is given to it. It doesn't mean anything, if there isn't any reaction. In life, you do what you can and not be worried about not being liked. Cause it doesn't work that way. Be as good as you can be and as true to yourself as much as you can. Visualize the good and positive.

For my uncle, Al- Fatihah..

Value of Man

How do you value a person? Looks? Money? Stature? Intelligence? Religion? Is it crucial for you to value a person to begin with. Why must there be a value filtering system, when it comes to choosing friends or life partners? Why isnt it not enough, when the people you're with are kind, happy and compassionate. Doesn't that criteria matters anymore. I just dont understand why do society need all those temporary "leg up" to build a friendship or relationship.

Those temporary advantages, will eventually fade. I wonder, if those self absorb , wealth and beauty driven people are aware of this. Don't they ever stop to think that one day, it'll be swept right under their feet? To a certain extend I doubt they would, as a friend of mine said " it's the fall of our local society, so hung up with rank, beauty and wealth".

It's as if having a title makes them less human but gods and goddess. Just because with title, they get first choice of everything makes them feel they're better than everyone. Well mate, If i stab you, you'd still bleed. Your blood is as red as mine. Doesn't make you any different from me just because you have a title up front of you blardy name.

For once, I just wish these people would just get off they fucking high horse and realise the whole deal. All those earthly bound things, means jack when you die. Means nothing when it comes to matter of emotions or well being. I just wish something hard just thuds their head and it all comes into place for them. But then again, a girl can wish so much.

Another one found..

I'm sure you heard of this story before, that god created seven versions of you. And he spreads them all over the globe for you to find one another in the end.

I think I found my fourth. By fluke I found her and her name is like mine.Exactly spelled the same way. I was drawned to her blog by her little write up about herself.

I was further intrigued by her when I saw her illustration. The more i read her blog the more alike I feel we are. She has plenty insights on things. Where she is now, is where i want to be in a couple of years. Basically having it all at the age of 30- 31?? Accomplished, happy and content. Happily married and with a kid and a career that makes me happy.


Lately, all that seems so far. All I have to show for is a startup company, that I'm quite happy with. As for love, the jury is still out on that. So back to focusing on what works.In this case WORK!! *laughs*

Do check her blog out. She's quite a character.