Tailor Made

Some people live their life with everything figured out in their head. What they're gonna be when they grow up. What sorta friends they should have. Who they should date. Who they should end up with. How the husband and wife to be should look like. Its just so amazing how people can just put all of it togather as if its some puzzle.

At one point of my life, I thought i'd grow up to be a lawyer. Married a tall and handsome looking white man with blue eyes and alittle dimple on the side when ever he smiles. I'm 4 years away from my 30th Birthday, non of that has came close to coming through, well except the fact i've dated few causcasian and am still quite attached to one Hawaiian man i met when i was 19 years old. Didn't work coz I didn't believe in long distance relationship ( wonder how that'll turn out ). I'm not whining or anything, is just that for me i realised, I couldnt do it all. I couldn't be or live based on someone elses expectation. I told myself, If there's going to be an added stress or preassure then it better be on my own terms.

Everyone i know aims for perfection in some sort of way or another. Whether in physical attributes, life or career. What is perfection? What is perfection worth now? If its at your own expense and your unhappiness, then forget it.

I'd rather do something that's tailored made for me. My life, my looks, my career, my music and my relationship. I'll be deciding if they fit me and not the other way around. You should move at your pace..Live your life..

Breathing...

One minute you're this and then you're another?

A night of all nights I can't seem to fall asleep. Thoughts keeps on popping in my head. Maybe its the hormone in balance. Maybe its the cosmos. Who knows but its definitely in the air. One thing that kept on bugging me, is how people change when they've come out of a relationship. They've become an entirely different person.

I just don't get that. Why do you have to change? Why do you have to change the essence of you? I find that, I fall more out of love with my exs because of this.The whole sudden transformation. I can't even hang on to them as friends coz I don't know them. They change before my very eyes. Whenever i see them or bump into them at some function, I realise the person i fell for is no longer there. What stands before me is a complete stranger. A stranger that on a normal day, I wouldn't even give him a second glance.

The question that lingers in my head is, "Is it so bad to be reminded of someone that you love and once share a part of you with them?" " Is that why you have to change everything around you, so you wouldn't be reminded of the memories, the love?"
and is it so bad to show how you still feel for you ex?

Some of you out there might say Yes and some might say No to the questions above. As for me, I'm not one to hide how i feel. I don't believe in games. I believe in letting the other person know how I feel inside. Tell them what they're worth to me and how much i love and care for them. That's why, I am who I am. I don't change my essence because it defines me as me. I want my my past and future love to know that what ever he and i went through is special and no one cant take it a way. No relationship share the same kind of love.

But then again, you can never control another humans emotion. If they chose to let you go without realising your worth and not fight for you, then its pretty evident that you mean absolutely jack shit to them. They can say anything later on down the road but for me when they don't initiate anything from the beginning then it's pointless. Its funny i've only realise all this after so long but a minute longer is better than never. My only regret in the whole fiasco is that I allowed myself to be used but as the good book said " Don't be ashamed of your goodness, you are what you are regardless of how people defines you. Do good and help those in need". I'll try my very best to do that without any prejudice..For now that's all i can do *smile*

And we froze...!!!!

I received this invite couple days back from this organisation called Randomalphabets.com. The invite reads "KL Freeze in Unison. 2.30pm. Sunday 13th April.Where human beings get together to do something in unison, without speeches or reference to their age, colour, sex, beliefs and background"


At first I didn't get the whole thing, until the next day i got an email from a friend asking me to check my mailbox. Apparently they had release the location of the "Freeze Point". I find this whole thing ridiculous but i had nothing better to do on Sunday i decided to just wing it. Sent a message RSVP-ing my attendance and check out the list of people going on facebook. To my surprise the the number of people attending was HUGE!!! i think around 900++. I got be excited. The fact that it was a covert mission and a big one at that I just wanted to be apart of it. I mean its just 4 minutes. WHat is 4 minutes out of your entire day right.

So come Sunday (today), we ( Jess, Razak, Lim and I ) headed to the briefing point, which was in LOT 10. When we gathered there, you could see everyone around was really weird out. Even the guards freaked out at the numbers of young people gathering around. We waited for the agent to come with the little orange flyers to tell us our "Freeze Point" By 2.30pm we got our flyers and headed out to Pavillion. Everyone had a different location to FREEZE. We were told to freeze right after the fashion show ended. 5 minutes before the fashion show ended we went to our designated freeze area but for some reason there were some sort of confusion we headed back to the central area (where the fashion show was) we saw almost everyone froze. Jess and i freaked out coz we thought we missed it but we jsut decided to just freeze anyway.

It was completely hilarious. We had people crashing into us. We had them take our pictures. Heard some comments like " Ohh don't worry honey is one of those thing on youtube. Where they freeze for a few minutes and then walk off" It was just out of this world. Definetly and odd experience.

We unfreezed after we heard the head of the organisation clapped and screamed. The news people showed up interviewed people it was wild. The pavillion management wasn't too happy about the whole thing. Big drama angry bald guy charging at the news people. The last freeze i heard ended up on the news. I think this one will for sheer number of people that turned up.

Im so happy that all the younger generation are up for this peaceful show of union. No violence , no words but action. In the end only that works.GOOD JOB guys!!!

Here's a sample video from youtube of a freeze in New York.Check it out

And I just realized...

I've listened to this song on the radio million of times but her words didn't effect me before as it did now. I find it rather odd. Out of the blue the words just strike right into my heart. I didn't cry or anything but i felt this jolt of sorrow. I havent been feeling those sort of feelings awhile. I guess I've been blocking it out.

Funny how a simple song like this, an everyday song could give such an effect. Since it strike right on the money, its pretty obvious that one would start pondering about it. At first i thought it was my ex that i felt this way for but honestly it wasnt. When it came to him, there are scars ofcourse but most of all just utter blankness. I guess when you made out your mind to take a day as a new day everything else just melts away.

I think i know who I have this feelings for but I'm not entirely sure. It might just be a passing emotions. For now, we'll just have to lock up all the boxes and just let it all runs its course. Enjoy the song guys..

You come first

You can only be so nice some of the time and the balance of it all, you need to sit down and think whether the person that you're helping really deserves it. You NEED to be realistic and logical. Why? because most of the time you can't help everyone at one go. And you can't help them when you're not happy and strong first. It just takes a lot out of you.

You HAVE to come first or what ever you've done, be it helping someone, It would all be in vain because you'll start doubting the sincerity of it all. It takes a big person to give and not expect anything in return. And it takes a bigger person to give and help others and then get bitched at in return.

It just drains you out, this whole gig, helping out and being the nice guy. Doesn't give you the self worth that you need. You do get the occasional " Yah i did something good today. I've contributed" but that's pretty much it. You have that one minute of goodness and then it just disappears like smoke.

I recently read this book "Dont Be Sad" and it said that you can't be upset with yourself for being nice and helpful. And you cant be upset that there are assholes in the world that doesn't appreciate you and your worth. They're just built that way and so are you..you're just built with alot of goodness. In other words we can't get in a twist if people are just mean and crappy to you. You just gotta be you and remain as you even though you'll cross path with a couple of assholes along the way. It's easier said that done ofcourse because these are feelings we're dealing with. I know its been rather hard for me but i can at least say i try and that for now is good enough for me. There's some progress.

So to the assholes of the world WATCH OUT coz this bitch is on the loose and she's coming to the theatres near you.Hang on to your hats and panties all hell's gonna break loose.

Why do we constantly pick the wrong one?

With all the constant preassure of marriage from society, family and friends, it doesn't help matters of choosing the right one. You would think that at this day an age, people would just lighten up about it. Fine, that it is a parental thing to worry whether your child would end up hitched to someone or anyone for that matter. So long as they get hitched. Personally, not to sound disrespectful towards the elders, I think they should just lay back. I mean nothing good comes out from things that are rushed. So what if your son or daughter turns 25 or 26, it wasn't written anywhere or in any book that at that age they should settle down.

No matter how much i grumble about this, I can't change society, family or friends. Fact is, everyone is obssessed about being with someone. Because of that, because of this race against time set by society, we always manage to choose the wrong one. There are times, you'd think that he or she might be the one but something about em doesn't fit. It's as if you've forgive and let go of all their misgivings and inadequacy. In other words, we settle for less than what we deserve.

We look to our left and right and just grab whomever that makes us feel alittle comfortable. Alittle loved and cared for. We fall into the bullshit of it all. We get all caught up with what the tvs and the movies said about love and romance. We just get caught up. Well, I refuse to get caught up. Anything less than passion, romance, compassion, humour, witt,kinkyness, sweet smile and heart, intelligence, and would fall head over heels for me as me and would stand for me when I'm in need of a support, wouldn't work. I don't want anything less than that anymore.
Why lessen myself for someone who's never been worthy of me. I don't know if this whole experiment would work and that I'd find the one, but atleast i know if all fails, I came out on the other end as me and no one else. With a guy or no guy in tow. I'm up for slowing down the race...