In the darkest hour...

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, that little thing that tells you that you might have done something rash. The kind of feeling you can only get when you're in a total emotional limbo. This is what i hate about breaking up. Everything that was once in control is now out of my control. My once sound mind, has now become screwed up. I can't have an actual emotion without analyzing it. At times I wish, I could just be man so I could just compartmentalize all the bullshit in my life and focus on things that will make me successful.

Sadly, I can't be a man. I am a woman and like any other woman, we dissect every single thing in the relationship in this case past relationship. So in my darkest hour, while I sat alone at the mamak, I rewind and replayed every bit of my relationship with my ex. I cut and edit everything in my head. Looking at everything as if it was under a microscope. Thinking to myself about what I could have done differently and what I shouldn't have done.

From all the rewinding and forwarding of our relationship, there was one particular conversation caught my attention. I remember asking the ex, why throughout the relationship I had always made the move. I had always made it easier for him to reach out and take or feel what ever he wants. And now, that we've broken up, he still doesn't even want to put any effort in making whatever we got left work. In some subconscious way he still expects me to give in and make it easier. I asked him why all this are still happening. He said he didn't want to give me hope. Hope of us getting back together. If he were to unlock the real feelings he has inside, it'll create some sort of hope in me. He fears that. He fears that I might get hurt again on his account.

But his fellow mate said to me today, " If he doesn't have hope at all in his heart than there is no point of you hoping for something to spark" Which is why now ladies and gentleman, I am in an emotional limbo and in my darkest hour. I tell myself not to care because if I do then i'll start having all this memories and emotions flooding in at once and i have no control of this and i cant take it.

Maybe is true about what his mate said, why wait for someone that isn't willing to put his money on you. Why think of someone who wouldn't even unload his love for you, for the fear of losing his dignity. Why put your heart out on a silver platter when all they want to do is just whack it to millions pieces? The answer I don't know. I guess I am a romantic person. I always thought to some point that love was meant to be simple and not to be disrupted with issues of money, status and appearance. I think its about time i burst my own bubble and face the reality of things. Love doesn't mean a thing when its made easy. It has no worth when there isnt any one striving for it.

From now on, the next guy that comes along, I hope he beats me with a bat to tell me that his infront of me because if he doesn't than this boat is sailing away.

Bye...For Now..

And they say "When you love someone , you have to let them go" and I did just that last weekend. It wasn't the easiest thing to do but it had to be done. It was a good 16 months.We had a good run. He was my bestest friend, soulmate and love. I had to make the ultimate sacrifice because I didn't want to be the cause of his misery with his family and primarily his mother. But that wasn't the only reason. I didn't want to be a hypocrite. I couldn't be around him and love him, when i had such anger and a growing dislike for his mother. It wouldn't be fair. Plus I just couldn't take anymore of the insults and personal ridicules the mom made towards me and my family. It was just time to draw the line.

Whatever his family is he isn't.I fell for him, for the person that he is. A good son and a good man. For now, our path has to split. He has to discover himself and I have to build a better me. I have a lot to prove and alot to do. Maybe the move I made wasn't right, maybe it is. I don't know but I'll just leave it to god to decide. If it was meant to be, he and I will meet and in that time we will be one. Till then , life has to go on, there's nothing but the future. We just have to move on and think of the best and the most positive.

I leave you with Coldplay-The scientist

This song is for you. Everything I want and need to say to you is all here. Be strong.