You come first

You can only be so nice some of the time and the balance of it all, you need to sit down and think whether the person that you're helping really deserves it. You NEED to be realistic and logical. Why? because most of the time you can't help everyone at one go. And you can't help them when you're not happy and strong first. It just takes a lot out of you.

You HAVE to come first or what ever you've done, be it helping someone, It would all be in vain because you'll start doubting the sincerity of it all. It takes a big person to give and not expect anything in return. And it takes a bigger person to give and help others and then get bitched at in return.

It just drains you out, this whole gig, helping out and being the nice guy. Doesn't give you the self worth that you need. You do get the occasional " Yah i did something good today. I've contributed" but that's pretty much it. You have that one minute of goodness and then it just disappears like smoke.

I recently read this book "Dont Be Sad" and it said that you can't be upset with yourself for being nice and helpful. And you cant be upset that there are assholes in the world that doesn't appreciate you and your worth. They're just built that way and so are you..you're just built with alot of goodness. In other words we can't get in a twist if people are just mean and crappy to you. You just gotta be you and remain as you even though you'll cross path with a couple of assholes along the way. It's easier said that done ofcourse because these are feelings we're dealing with. I know its been rather hard for me but i can at least say i try and that for now is good enough for me. There's some progress.

So to the assholes of the world WATCH OUT coz this bitch is on the loose and she's coming to the theatres near you.Hang on to your hats and panties all hell's gonna break loose.

Why do we constantly pick the wrong one?

With all the constant preassure of marriage from society, family and friends, it doesn't help matters of choosing the right one. You would think that at this day an age, people would just lighten up about it. Fine, that it is a parental thing to worry whether your child would end up hitched to someone or anyone for that matter. So long as they get hitched. Personally, not to sound disrespectful towards the elders, I think they should just lay back. I mean nothing good comes out from things that are rushed. So what if your son or daughter turns 25 or 26, it wasn't written anywhere or in any book that at that age they should settle down.

No matter how much i grumble about this, I can't change society, family or friends. Fact is, everyone is obssessed about being with someone. Because of that, because of this race against time set by society, we always manage to choose the wrong one. There are times, you'd think that he or she might be the one but something about em doesn't fit. It's as if you've forgive and let go of all their misgivings and inadequacy. In other words, we settle for less than what we deserve.

We look to our left and right and just grab whomever that makes us feel alittle comfortable. Alittle loved and cared for. We fall into the bullshit of it all. We get all caught up with what the tvs and the movies said about love and romance. We just get caught up. Well, I refuse to get caught up. Anything less than passion, romance, compassion, humour, witt,kinkyness, sweet smile and heart, intelligence, and would fall head over heels for me as me and would stand for me when I'm in need of a support, wouldn't work. I don't want anything less than that anymore.
Why lessen myself for someone who's never been worthy of me. I don't know if this whole experiment would work and that I'd find the one, but atleast i know if all fails, I came out on the other end as me and no one else. With a guy or no guy in tow. I'm up for slowing down the race...

2008 year ...of the Rat??!!!

I find it rather odd that the year of the rat would be called a lucky year, let alone for the ladies. But if its stated in the stars, who am I to disagree. I'm all for luck. Truth is i need it. I wouldn't say the year before wasn't good. It has its moments but towards the end, it went south.

So yah, if it says in the stars its a lucky year, I'm all game. First on the astrology bit they said we ladies are gonna make tonnes of moolah. Since luck is on my side, I decided to invest in unit trust give it a go. I'd rather stock up the moolah and make my empire grow rather than spend on things i don't need ( That'll change when i see a nice pair of shoes or out of the world leather bag that i need to have ) I mean with the rate the economy is going through , I think it's wises choice to be making. To some our country's inflation doesn't look bad, honey you ought to thanked your lucky stars our government are pumping in the money to keep us afloat.

The second bit is relationships. To be honest, I know the stars said its fine to hook it up but I'm just gonna take a raincheck on it. Take care of me and my health and life. Get the career on the running. Don't get me wrong, If a guy ask me out..I'll go but that's pretty much it. I don't want to get into something when I'm not over the emotional rollercoaster. One thing for sure this time, I'm gonna do in with eyes wide open. No more emotional blindness regardless what the astrology.

As for health, it said that it pretty much varies between the animals. If you are a dog such as myself then you have to watch it on the experimental and rigorous sports. Physical injuries are at a high risk this year.

And our wealth ladies, are looking bright right now. Its expected to be on a rise come mid of the year. So don't you worry about the year end sale. We'll make it. We'll make it big.

In the darkest hour...

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, that little thing that tells you that you might have done something rash. The kind of feeling you can only get when you're in a total emotional limbo. This is what i hate about breaking up. Everything that was once in control is now out of my control. My once sound mind, has now become screwed up. I can't have an actual emotion without analyzing it. At times I wish, I could just be man so I could just compartmentalize all the bullshit in my life and focus on things that will make me successful.

Sadly, I can't be a man. I am a woman and like any other woman, we dissect every single thing in the relationship in this case past relationship. So in my darkest hour, while I sat alone at the mamak, I rewind and replayed every bit of my relationship with my ex. I cut and edit everything in my head. Looking at everything as if it was under a microscope. Thinking to myself about what I could have done differently and what I shouldn't have done.

From all the rewinding and forwarding of our relationship, there was one particular conversation caught my attention. I remember asking the ex, why throughout the relationship I had always made the move. I had always made it easier for him to reach out and take or feel what ever he wants. And now, that we've broken up, he still doesn't even want to put any effort in making whatever we got left work. In some subconscious way he still expects me to give in and make it easier. I asked him why all this are still happening. He said he didn't want to give me hope. Hope of us getting back together. If he were to unlock the real feelings he has inside, it'll create some sort of hope in me. He fears that. He fears that I might get hurt again on his account.

But his fellow mate said to me today, " If he doesn't have hope at all in his heart than there is no point of you hoping for something to spark" Which is why now ladies and gentleman, I am in an emotional limbo and in my darkest hour. I tell myself not to care because if I do then i'll start having all this memories and emotions flooding in at once and i have no control of this and i cant take it.

Maybe is true about what his mate said, why wait for someone that isn't willing to put his money on you. Why think of someone who wouldn't even unload his love for you, for the fear of losing his dignity. Why put your heart out on a silver platter when all they want to do is just whack it to millions pieces? The answer I don't know. I guess I am a romantic person. I always thought to some point that love was meant to be simple and not to be disrupted with issues of money, status and appearance. I think its about time i burst my own bubble and face the reality of things. Love doesn't mean a thing when its made easy. It has no worth when there isnt any one striving for it.

From now on, the next guy that comes along, I hope he beats me with a bat to tell me that his infront of me because if he doesn't than this boat is sailing away.

Bye...For Now..

And they say "When you love someone , you have to let them go" and I did just that last weekend. It wasn't the easiest thing to do but it had to be done. It was a good 16 months.We had a good run. He was my bestest friend, soulmate and love. I had to make the ultimate sacrifice because I didn't want to be the cause of his misery with his family and primarily his mother. But that wasn't the only reason. I didn't want to be a hypocrite. I couldn't be around him and love him, when i had such anger and a growing dislike for his mother. It wouldn't be fair. Plus I just couldn't take anymore of the insults and personal ridicules the mom made towards me and my family. It was just time to draw the line.

Whatever his family is he isn't.I fell for him, for the person that he is. A good son and a good man. For now, our path has to split. He has to discover himself and I have to build a better me. I have a lot to prove and alot to do. Maybe the move I made wasn't right, maybe it is. I don't know but I'll just leave it to god to decide. If it was meant to be, he and I will meet and in that time we will be one. Till then , life has to go on, there's nothing but the future. We just have to move on and think of the best and the most positive.

I leave you with Coldplay-The scientist

This song is for you. Everything I want and need to say to you is all here. Be strong.

I want...

Today is the day I tell the universe what I want. Ok ok it might sound as if I had an overdose of The Secret but when you read the book and watch the DVD, you kinda pick up on the positive vibes. In a section of the DVD, one of the philosophers suggested that we make an "I Want List". It's like a to do list of what you want to have done through out your entire life. The list is a means for you to focus on so you wouldnt lose track of the things you want most. Another way to not dwell on the negatives. So today I decide to make my very own " I want list". Here goes.

- I want to have a healthy and fit body

- I want to have smooth and flawless skin

- I want to be spiritually complete and one with my religion

- I want to be more positive, confident and assertive of myself

- I want to love myself more and accept me more

- I want my relationship with my mom to be more positive, warm and closer

- I want to have 1 million dollars in my bank by the age of 30

- I want to be married to a man that respects, love, care and will guide me through this life according to our islamic beliefs.

-I want to be a successful business woman

- I want to have my dream office space

- I want to buy my mother her dream car and house in the next 3 years

- I want be independent

- I want to make an impact in my community and help the less fortunate

- I want regular income, projects

- I want to sing and perform my heart out next year

For now, the ones above are the ones i'm focus on. I'm sure i'll add somemore to the list soon.
The first step is done and now to follow through.

The day good english became a 4 letter word

Yes you read it right, the title is saying what it means. Several days back I was accused of vulgarity when I used the word "civilised" to calm a maniac of a woman, who went all psycho on me when I tried to elaborate a specific situation. The accuser, was the woman's daughter. I believe the maniac was too shocked at my chosen words that she couldn't bring herself to confront me but sent her blank headed of a daughter to deliver her two cents. The conversation went like this:

Accuser: What ta' hell did you say to my mother?

Me: What are you actually referring to because we spoke at length about a lot of things.

Accuser: I was told that you were rude and disrespectful.

Me: Is that so? How was I rude and disrespectful? As far as i could remember, I didn't get a decent word in. How could I , with your mother screaming at the top of her lungs, saying obscene things to me . Which I found odd because it had nothing to do with the issue at hand.

Accuser: You used the word "Civilised"

Me: Yes I did. Of course I did. You'd do the same when a mad woman goes on a rampage. That's the most decent thing you'd say. I'd had a different word in mind but because I remember who your mother was, I refrained myself from sinking to your family's level.

Accuser: Couldnt you have used a different word? Do you think you're better than us just because you used complicated words?WHAT!! Do you think you're smarter than us?


Me: First of all, the word "civilised" is not a FOUR LETTER WORD. If i had let what your moronic of a mother get to me, the word civilized would be the least of her concern. I said to your mother lets sort this out like civilized people because she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

Accuser: YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT QUIET AND LISTENED. DON'T YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR THE ELDERS. WHY DID YOU USE THAT WORD!!! YOU'RE RUDE.


Me: Not when they're not right, self centered, crazy and verbally abusive. I wasn't raised to tolerate that sort of third world country mind set. If you think its rude to stand up for yourself than that's you're prerogative.

After the nitwit and I hung up, I couldnt help myself but laughed. She got all worked up about a word that meant : ( civilized) polite and well-mannered . Her reaction was as if I cussed at her mother. By god I did want to wring the woman's neck for what she said but yah, she got worked up about a word that meant nothing. I'm just in utter disbelief of the reaction. Everytime, since that day, when i recall back, I laugh. To think that you have idiots like these around.Mann...the world has trully became bonkers.