Driven by visuals

( Image on the left is with make up and the right is without )


Couple of nights back, was hanging out with some friends and we got to talking about appearances. Well actually they were talking about apperances, I was too hungry to be all bothered about it. Anyway, yah my friends were going at each other about how a woman should be. How they should look like and dress. At this point, I paid attention. One of my guy friends was explaining how things work for men. How they are very much driven by the PACKAGE

He went on explaining about the PACKAGE saying that a man will pay more attention to a woman if she's well groomed. If she takes the time to sort out her hair make sure every strand is in place and that she wore some make up to enhance her beauty ( my take on that is, "Hun you need to put more colour on your face to cover that tiredness", in other words put your mask on ) and that she wore a more feminine outfit, like a dress or a pencil skirt with a WHITE shirt.

According to him, if a woman were to do the things he just mentioned, we could definetly get the attention of any men because they're simple creatures. For them a woman should be in this order LOOKS-BRAIN-HEART anything besides that means absolutely nothing. You deliver those things in that order you'll get the man eating out of the palm of your hands.

When my friend was done explaining his theory, everyone at the table had mixed expression on their faces. Some agreed , some find it too complicated and some find it conniving . I fell in the category of conniving. Why you ask? well for me, my take in the whole thing is why does the man need for the woman to be all pretentious in order for him to feel something for her?
Why does she has to look all made up for him to be interested in her? She is the same person she was before she put on that make up. Isn't her essence more important than her physique?

I'd like the guy to get to know me and see me in my rawest form. Without make up just the naked me. Pure and simple. When I see that he has some sort of attraction towards me, I make myself more alluring. I wear nicer clothes put some make up. I do this gradually, in phases. I show him how'd i look like in different occasion. That i can clean up real well. I do this as form of reward for him because he appreciated me first at my purest state. That makes him one hell of a guy and that is rare...

Monster in law

I was watching tv yesterday night and a trailer for this movie came on and i couldn't help but laugh. You see about a year ago I watched this with my ex's mother. Back then we ( my ex, his mother and i ) laughed about it and how it was absurd and that it would never happen to us. Boy was I wrong. I should've taken that movie as a sign coz what came after was absolute HELL!!

Of course she didn't put me through the same ordeal as the movie but trust me it was equally bad. One thing i wished I had done, I wished I'd uphold my dignity. Show her what sort of person I am. Fight the way Jennifer Lopez did. Ohh I wished for that. Then again, Jennifer had a reason to fight coz her man stood by her where as mine well...he was tired. That meant the relationship won't work. So i gave up. I don't see the point of fighting for a relationship when my other half has already given up before the war even started.

The thing is how far can we fight. The sad thing about being asian is, if you were to pull the same stunt Jennifer pulled you would be labeled as the DEVIL WOMAN! and no way in hell would you be able to marry your man and if you did, she (mother in law) would make your life a living HELL! or worse they'd go to those kampung bomoh (witch doctors) and come back with all those voo doo crap!

When you think about it, marriage is scary. Not only do you have to tolerate a new environment, you have to tolerate all sort of bullshit from the immediate family. If you are a muslim girl is worse because you have to follow where ever you husband goes and normally at the beginning of the marriage you have to stay in his family home. That my friend is not a pretty picture. When there's two alpha woman living under one roof, expect bad things to happen.

Oh well, Im glad that it didn't happen. I thank God everyday for protecting me. Shielding me from all the melodrama. Don't get me wrong it hurt as hell when it ended but at least i was spared a lifetime of sorrow. Many thanks to God!! I love you..

Sans Ego

What an eventful couple weeks. Loads of soul searching and reassessing life's decisions. When such days knocks on your door, the first thing you'd do is call up your girls and schedule a meeting. Meeting such as these you tend to discover what sort of person you are and what you've become. The sources are of course viable because its from those you care and love most.

It was brought to my attention by my fellow love ones that I am an egoistical maniac. Not all the time though, only on certain matters and topic. The topic that day was men. So yah, that's where the ego kicks in rather high. Of late i can assure you, its only been on rather high alert after the recent break up. Anyway, back to the issue at hand. I called the meeting to ask for some perspective on a recent unforeseen incident.

Recently, a very close friend made his feelings known to me and like a yellow bellied chicken i bolted because I was confused. SO i thought then ,actually i still don't know for sure if i'm not. How did i ran you asked? Well, I did what any macho egoistical person would do. I say stupid things. The first stupid thing I said was " i was being a man, you wanted to give what I craved most. So like a man i took it" The second one was " I think i have something for you but Im not sure and I don't think my head is screwed up right to figure it out just yet" ( you can actually scratch this out because my recent break up really did a number to my head ) . After all those macho cock up crap of an excuse, we both decided to lay low and just be there for one another. In other words our friendship was bigger than our feelings for one another.

But me being me, after the whole fiasco I kept thinking about it. I kept analyzing it. Wondered where i went wrong and what if.
So that's where the counsel came in. Their take on the whole matter was I was cold and rather hard on the guy. They don't blame me though but they said that I should atleast try and put my ego aside and try again. Try talking to the man. Ask him out take it slow get to know each other in a different tune.

So i did just that. I put away the ego and strike up a small conversation with him. I manage to make myself ask him out but to no avail, he turned me down. He said that he's comfortable where is and with who he is now and that he's not ready. I tried to reason with him but he didnt' budge. I got rather emotional at the end ( we tend to do that when our guards are down, right girls ) and i said " Is it me? I don't fit your criteria? I guess you cant pursue someone if they don't want to be pursued". He didn't reply back to that remark and I took that as an end. I don't blame him though. I'd turned me down after the whole crap i said to him. Well, from that incident, I've taken upon myself to just let it go. I tried. I tried to want to explore the feelings but it couldn't happen. Oh well, another chapter close. It's time to climb up again with my bruised up ego.

Role in the next drama...

Cant take my eyes off you

It's hard when you lose someone dear to you. Regardless if its a person or a pet, the feeling of lost is still the same, deep and painful. I came home this past weekend after a long night shoot to find my cat Kabus sprawled out on our porch. I dropped my bags and immediately tend to her but i realise I couldn't do much. She was on her side and letting out small meows. I knew deep down she wouldn't last the night. I stayed by her side as long as i could.Keeping her comfortable as much as i can.

I didn't think that It would come to this. She looked well before i left for Kuantan. I shouldn't have assumed. I try not to be mad at myself but sometimes I can't seem to help it. I hate it when people tell you that its for the best and she's in a better place. It hurts me to hear it. I know they mean well but its just painful to hear. Kabus was such a kind soul. She came into our lives when we were in need of guidance. She made our home, whole.

I feel sorry for my mom. She seemed so lost. Its like she lost her child. Her spirit is all broken up. I'm gonna miss Kabus's soft eyes. Tilting her head side ways to get our attention or for an extra chicken. Such a pity she had to go that way..I hope we made your last hours comfortable Kabus...

Menanti sebuah jawaban

There's always a song in your life that'll have a significant meaning. Be it a good or bad song it will almost always bring you back to some old memory in the past. Sometimes with an old feelings attached. Recently, a song from the past came back. This particular song, meant the world to me. It said things that I would dream of saying to this one person but i never had the guts.
Finally after so many years, it was out and he knew the meaning of it all. I felt a great relief. To certain extent, he too shared some feelings as i did before in the past. The sad thing was, I couldn't feel what i wanted to feel. I couldn't be in the moment, that beautiful moment that I've wished to be in so many moons *smile*

I wished circumstances were different. That i was ok and ready to receive whatever emotions but I can't. Recent wounds have yet to heal. I feel unfair to persue something which my heart has not warrant for or maybe i was just tired. Tired of constantly waiting
and finding out in the end, it was too late. What feelings i had before in the past, was just burried too deep and I guess for now it wants to remain asleep...

Too romantic for my own good

Whenever I get into a relationship with a guy, I find out that I'm much more romantic than they are. I go through loads of trouble to show them how i feel. Be it from expressing it verbally or by going through painstaking hell, picking the ultimate song that'll explain how I feel about them and our relationship. But all these acts of care, romance and love almost always falls on hard wall.I can only name few exs that'll reciprocate similar actions and feelings but of recent, I've yet to feel romanced. Maybe my expectations are high. Maybe I'm an ultra sensitive. I just find it odd for a person to not be honest about how they feel. Why hide the love you have for someone. Why be afraid of someone you care about? I guess there are reason as to why people keep their feelings to themselves. I myself learned the hard way. Never let out your all for someone who almost never work for your attention or love. Someone dear to me once said, " If you hand them the reward from the beginning instead of dangling it before their eyes, they will never know the value of you" My overly romantic gestures and feelings caused me my dignity and trust.

To tell you the truth,I have no one to blame but myself. I have no one to be upset with but myself. In the end, it was me who chose to believe. I didn't come out of this at total lost. I learned something. I learn that man or woman to a certain extend would repeat the vicious cycle. What I meant by that is, after a breakup for some reason we morph into our past exs.We become more sceptical of future gf / bf. We doubt their credibility even more. My recent ex, turned into his ex fiance. She was quiet to a point that she doesn't say how she feels even when she's hurt. She didn't bother to earn his affections because she knew he would, so with me he did the same. He was the receiver and i was the giver. That's how it went throughout the relationship. He turned into her because he was hurt by her. He subconsciously became her, the person he hated most and in the end he was her.

I can't say I feel sorry for him, I think I've done that throughout our relationship. The choices that we make are our own. He made his. By his judgement and inconsiderate action cost him ...me..my trust..my friendship above all.

Tailor Made

Some people live their life with everything figured out in their head. What they're gonna be when they grow up. What sorta friends they should have. Who they should date. Who they should end up with. How the husband and wife to be should look like. Its just so amazing how people can just put all of it togather as if its some puzzle.

At one point of my life, I thought i'd grow up to be a lawyer. Married a tall and handsome looking white man with blue eyes and alittle dimple on the side when ever he smiles. I'm 4 years away from my 30th Birthday, non of that has came close to coming through, well except the fact i've dated few causcasian and am still quite attached to one Hawaiian man i met when i was 19 years old. Didn't work coz I didn't believe in long distance relationship ( wonder how that'll turn out ). I'm not whining or anything, is just that for me i realised, I couldnt do it all. I couldn't be or live based on someone elses expectation. I told myself, If there's going to be an added stress or preassure then it better be on my own terms.

Everyone i know aims for perfection in some sort of way or another. Whether in physical attributes, life or career. What is perfection? What is perfection worth now? If its at your own expense and your unhappiness, then forget it.

I'd rather do something that's tailored made for me. My life, my looks, my career, my music and my relationship. I'll be deciding if they fit me and not the other way around. You should move at your pace..Live your life..